Love means to commit yourself without guarantee..~~~~Anne Campbell

 I am going to attempt this Lifestyle Change yet again, because eventually, I'll get it right, and stay on it, and get to where I want to be!

Well life has been crazy the last few months. Not just crazy busy, but CRAZY all around.
I have not been good with my lifestyle change and I know I have put some weight back on. Uggg I am such a sabotager. (is that even a word?) When people give me too many compliments I shut myself down & Sabotage myself.... WHY??? WHY do I do this? It frustrates the hell out of me. But I do it, because that is who I am! The one thing I need to tackle & it scares the hell out of me to succeed at this one thing.. Why? Because I guess then I have no excuse for having my life not be a mess?? I don't know..

I have made such a mess of my life. I'm sure it's really not that bad, actually, I know in my heart it's not that bad, but today, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
I always fall in love with the wrong person... Or at least they may not be wrong, but the timing may be wrong... I don't know what it is.
I am just so unhappy lately.. I get up in the morning, wake Lexi so she gets up for school, go back to sleep for an hour, get up, get a shower & get ready for work, then go to work, put on a big ole' happy face & make everyone think my life is pretty awesome, then I come home, make dinner, spend time with Lexi & Susan if she's here. Then go to sleep and start all over again. I feel like I have no motivation to do much else. Raising a child is the most rewarding thing in the world but man, raising a teenage girl can be so hard some days. Some days she loves me & I'm cool, other days she hates my guts & I am uncool! UGHHH it's so hard not to take it personal. I know I shouldn't, I just know in my heart I shouldn't but it is truly hard, so when she is at a hating me stage, I take it so personal and shut down. It's hard to care about much especially myself!

So, I have decided that here I go again, I'm going to attempt to write my blog, and get back on this lifestyle change, I so want to make and stay on this course and get to where I will feel so much better about myself.
I guess I"m having a pity party on myself because I was going through old pic's today. REALLY OLD pic's. It was of when Lexi was just getting ready to start kindergarten & I had lost so much weight on LA Weight loss and felt great about myself & I met a great guy at the time, that I ended up with for 7 years! Ok, he turned out not to be so great, but when we first started dating, I was so happy, not because of him, because I had been happy before I even met him. Then of course over the 7 years of an on & off relationship, I gained over 75lbs and felt crappy about myself, and then I connected with someone from my past, who has been in my life for over 3 years. And well, I thought I would end up marrying him, and that he was the love of my life.... and well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love him anymore, because I do with all my heart. But I have not contacted him in a week, because I am just so in a funk, he gets very introverted when he has too much going on, and shuts down, and I am so not like that. He shuts everyone out. Me, I wear my heart on my sleeve. What can I say? In the midst of having a long relationship with him, I was interested in someone else who let's just say was so not good for me. And all the stress & guilt I have put on myself has caused me to have this downward spiral effect on my own life... I look at myself in the mirror & think... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Wow, yes, I do look at myself in the mirror more now, but it's still tough some days. I make such stupid mistakes, I do things that I know are against my better judgement. Nothing illegal or anything, just stupid decisions on men, mainly! So, because I started getting so much attention I sabotaged myself.. REALLY SABOTAGED MYSELF. And well, here I am, going to start at square one again, thank God I have not gained all my weight back, but I gain a few, then lose a few, then gain a few, and then lose a few, but I was doing great & losing almost 4 lbs a week.

I am not going to look at any of ,my past lost this year, I'm starting over tomorrow. I will weigh myself first thing in the morning, and will weigh myself every other Monday. I will keep you all posted on how I am doing, and I will try to post every day! When I write on here every day I find I make myself accountable and stay on track!

So, here I go again....... On this crazy thing called Lifestyle Change... Please feel free to encourage me, and give me recipes! I NEED LOTS OF LOW CARB, Low Fat recipes!!! So, I'll be back tomorrow night....

Hope you all have a great evening, and thanks for having the faith in me to come back & read my blog again!

God Speed!
Jenn