We tend to forget that happiness doesn't
come as a result of getting something we don't have,
but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.
- Frederick Koenig
Well I have tried to write this now twice and keep doing something that causes the page to go completely blank! BOY it's just one of those days.
Let's start with my food. Today I had 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast, and then I had an apple with peanut butter and then a banana a bit later. I came home hoping to make some soup but when I looked in the closet there was none and I was so disappointed and I hadn't taken anything else out so I passed on dinner. Besides I wasn't really hungry anyway.
I have been struggling lately between stress with my health and just life in general. Today was so hard to get out of bed. It has nothing to do with my eating. My headache was bad, it was not a migraine either. I didn't take anything last night, I figured I'd sleep it off, and woke up this morning worse, and wished I could just keep my eyes closed and not get up! Some days it's so incredibly hard to open my eyes and get out of bed. And I got up, and I pushed myself through the day. I really would have preferred to stay in bed and hide out. I did take my migraine meds in hopes that I could have some relief, but that didn't happen. Not a drop of relief. I smiled when I spoke to my patients, and when my friend Jenn P, did something at work, she made me LOL, but other than that, I don't think I laughed all day. I cried off & on all day! I just have days like this.
No one understands what it's like to have days where you don't remember a conversation or anything like that & this THING I have, this Chiari Malformation, is really affecting my thinking, and my whole cognitive thinking. It's scary and unless I type it out & reread it, I can't get out what I am going through. The only way I can describe it is, that I feel like I have Alzheimer's, (God forbid) It's not all the time, but I think the stress I'm under, has really affected it drastically. It also affects my vision when I have the headaches, it makes it very hard to see.
This whole thing is just really scary, but I am doing everything possible to not let it affect me to where I sabotage myself with this program. There are so many other things that are happening to me with the stress, and stuff. It's just not worth complaining about right now.
To be honest. I am feeling incredibly alone, and although I have so many people in my life, NO ONE understands this. HELL I don't even understand it. I am tired not being me the last few months, and no one gets it!
Ok, so I am sitting here & really need to just go to bed! Other than Lexi, the other person that I love with all my heart deserves more than someone like me! I have so much baggage and so much Stuff!!! Some days it's just really hard!! And it's just easier to push people away. I know when the damage is done, I won't be able to fix it. But honestly, there are some things, I just really can't help & I just need to hide...
I need to just go to sleep!
Tomorrows another day!
Godspeed!!
Jenn
Jenn, your scaring me with this post. You sound like you have major depression and that's not good. The headaches is another story and i'm sure it ties in with your depression. Do you realize how much you DO have? Do you realize, it's enough Lexi never got to meet her dad, that she doesn't want to lose her mom? Your young yet Jenn. Life isn't easy, but like Jesus says's in Philippians, we sometimes have to suffer to make up for all the suffering He did for us. Please, pray, pray hard, for God to give you strength, take away the sadness and headaches and look to tomorrow. Life isnt forever, thank God, but after life is Eternal. I'm here if you ever need a shoulder, miles away or not. Know I love you and always will. God be with you.
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