Sometimes our light goes out but
is blown into flame by another human being.
Each of us owes deepest thanks
to those who have rekindled this light.
- Albert Schweitzer
I'm thinking that I am feeling like the life has been sucked out of me because I am very stressed about having this biopsy on Tuesday afternoon. I will go to work and then my Mom will take me for it. I am so freaked out though! It will pass. Just the thought of them cutting something off my body freaks me out & then the blood, I so don't do blood at all.
I work with nurses and someone overheard me talking to my doctors office about having Chiari Malformation, and let me tell you, I am so freaked out. I'm going to write about it on here, because there are other's who are born with it as well. Chiari Malformation is when your skull doesn't close right and the tonsil of the brain "falls out" (if you will) of the bottom of your skull. Now, I was diagnosed with this a few years ago. I was 39 to be exact. But now that I am having to have this biopsy where this malformation is, I'm so freaked out!
One of the nurses came over and told me how serious this was & how did my doctors just let me walk around with it and not offer me a solution, especially when I was diagnosed, my symptoms were so bad. I was showing signs of all kinds of different things, then they subsided. But now all the symptoms have come back, and some are worse than others. However, I have kept quiet about it to everyone, because I am so tired of complaining so I have been suffering in silence. Anyway, I'm freaked out because my friend Julie who is a nurse, told me that if I go on a roller coaster, I could end up with brain damage or worse. that my neck could snap at any moment! She told me about a patient who died from it, but there were extenuating circumstances. needless to say, I am really freaked out and although, some may feel this is not life threatening, it really is if I am not careful & what freaks me out the most, is that I had been misdiagnosed for so many years, and the neurologist felt that when I was 39 brain surgery was really not something I should do because I was just showing symptoms of it. And he did not make me think this was something I needed to keep an eye on & so forth! But now, that I am armed with all kinds of information, I'll be going to the neurologist, having another MRI & seeing a neuro-surgeon for his opinion!
This is not something I am going to decide over night, but I have been misdiagnosed & felt like I was insane for so long! I truly felt like I was losing my mind a lot of the time. My friend/coworker Wendy told me she had it, and had the same symptoms, some of the same diagnoses that I did and she had the brain surgery. Her scar is NOT pretty, but her hair hides it. But she said the effects that weren't permanent went away and she is doing great! She had the surgery many years ago, and that it was the best thing she ever did!
I'm definitely not going to ignore this. I definitely have to talk to the Drs, and see what is best for me. Every situation is different.
I have in the past, had lots of complications to surgeries I have had, so this is not something I'm doing tomorrow, or next week for that matter. I need to see how much worse it has gotten in the last 4 years.
Well today was a quiet day for the most part. I haven't been feeling too well, so I stayed very quiet. I chatted with a few friends online. But one in particular stuck out in my head. First let me say, when I was at my doctors appt yesterday Stephenie told me what an inspiration I am to her & so many others. It was so nice to hear that! She said that I Needed to learn to take a compliment, and say Thank you, and that I needed to learn what I wanted to accept but to remember what I am worth. And what I really want in life and from a relationship.
So, today, I was talking with a friend, and we were talking about what we wanted in life. I told her that she has to learn to love herself and be happy with herself before she could find that with someone else. We need to be so comfortable and happy with who we are and in our own skin, and then will the right person come along. I really believed that. I don't I'd have ever found the love that I have found if it weren't for that I am learning to be happy with who I am and in my own skin. Don't get me wrong, my life is not perfect. I am not perfect, but when the time is right, the right person will come along. But you definitely don't have to settle for someone who doesn't treat you right or love you the way you should.
So many of us have made bad choices in love, and have settled, but now is the time, to embrace your time to heal and learn to love yourself and what you really like about you, what you love about you, and what makes YOU Happy! NO ONE Else can came you happy! They can just add to your happiness! There is a big difference.
Take the time, and get to know you, heal from that relationship before you think about moving on to another one.
I am learning so much about myself every day. And I have learned to stand on my own 2 feet without a man. Prove to yourself, you don't need to prove to anyone else, that you can do this. Enjoy your time alone, with your kids and just be in the moment, and when the right person comes along you will know. He will love you for you, all of you, the good, the bad, and the indifferent. That my friend is true love.
I am learning to finally take care of myself. It is finally time to take care of my health, and lose this weight and get healthy. That is what I am doing!
A little at a time, and every day, I am learning so much more about myself. Things I never took the time to see.
I didn't eat much today, with being under the weather and stressed. I had an apple with peanut butter, and I also had cheesy chicken/broccoli casserole for dinner. It was really good!
Well I hope you all have a great evening.
Please know I am fine, I am hanging in there! I have lots of support, from my Mom & Dad, and my friends & all the people that love me. Once I get through this biopsy and get the results, and hopefully they will be negative, I will then be ok! Just gotta get through the next couple of days!
Thanks for visiting.
I will be back tomorrow!
Godspeed.
Jenn
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