Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself. - Robert Foster Bennett
This is the 2nd time tonight I am attempting to write this blog! UGH I wrote it, and then I hit a wrong button and lost the entire thing! NOT HAPPY! So here goes, and I know it will no longer be as good as it was the first time, but I'll try! UGH! UGH UGH!!!
Well I have decided this time that I am going to take control of the choices that I make in my life! I AM IN CHARGE OF ME!!!! NOONE ELSE!!! There is noone else to blame for the choices I have made. My friend Susan posted this on facebook tonight, she said "you are fu**ing amazing and beautiful and i totally get you're reincarnation and your dedication to you ... you deserve everything wonderful in your life ... it seems like you finally realized that ... and thats okay ... you rock this world girl ... you take it and own it and anyone who gets in your way will be taken out! ... keep up the good work ... ♥
Wow! She made me cry! She was so genuine and meant every word of that! Susan get's me, she had been overweight and had a lot of weight to lose and she lost it by eating what she wanted just in smaller portions. If she wanted a cookie, she had one cookie, not a lot of cookies. (just an example) I wish that could work for me! But she is beautiful, not just on the outside but on the inside as well. And she knows and understands what's in my head as far as how I Feel about "ME" and the weight, and the baggage that I carry.
My weight has ALWAYS been my armour! It was my protector from hurt and MEN! After having been sexually abused as a child and it "came out" and people knew, my weight sky rocketed! Why? SHAME... Pretty much....Then when I lost weight, and met my husband, then I was not happy, and my weight again, became my armour, and then when I was single, I lost weight and then met a guy,, and when he would bring me burgers & fries at 11pm and I ate them because after all, he paid for them, so I had to eat them, I didn't want to offend him.
BOY those were all choices I made and they were not good ones. I could have said NO, I could have changed my life way back when, but I didn't I just packed on the weight. I beat drugs, and all kinds of other things, and the one thing I keep fighting with is my weight. I have been clean exactly 16 years, 6 months 7 days and there are times it has not been easy. So WHY THE HELL has my weight been such an issue?? That should be so easy right? WRONG.... I have always used food as my addiction to stop my other addictions. IT was the "HEALTHIER" of all addictions so I thought! WRONG!!
And now, I have been on this grain free program for 10 days & I am sleeping great and feeling great and I hope in 16 years I can look back and say I have been thin & kept it off for 16 years, 6 months & 7 days! WOW, that will be awesome.
You see, I have never liked who was looking back at me in the mirror. Why? Because I never saw who everyone saw! I don't know exactly why? I guess the abuse is a big part of it, and it always will be a sore issue in my life, a sore issue from my past! But after having a friend and then a bunch of women from my bible study class, tell me I needed to put a note on my mirror and tell myself every day that I AM BEAUTIFUL! And say it EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME, I was in the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. Well I did! It was really hard at first, and with a lot of prayer, I finally started to see a spark of what everyone else saw.
I think we all have someone in our lives that has made us feel like we were the sexiest, and most beautiful person in the world. I have someone who does that for me! He makes me smile when I think of him, and he just makes me want to be a better me. He loves me, for WHO I AM! And he LOVES ALL OF ME!!! Just the way I am! So, I am not losing this weight for him, or my daughter or anyone, but for ME!!! I don't have to lose this for anyone but ME! I want them to look back years from now & say, I remember when...... What did you see when you looked in the mirror? and I can say, I saw what they saw, and that is why I shed the weight!
Ok, this was a long one, and I really didn't say everything I wanted to say, so I will be back tomorrow. I had a great day with my food! Stayed away from all the grains, ate all my fruits, and veggies, and now, it's time for bed!
Hope ya'll have a blessed evening!
Godspeed!
Jenn
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