One Day At A Time

Happiness is not the absence of problems,
but the willingness to deal with them joyfully.
~ Jonathan Lockwood Huie



It has been quite some time since I have written on here & so many things have happened in my life... Where do I start.
Well this Lifestyle Change is going to take a different direction in my writing. It will be about my dieting & food sometimes, but for me, this is my place to come & just dump some of my feelings out, and share with other parents, other people in general who may be experiencing some of the same things, and hopefully you will not feel so alone...

I am constantly reminded that I need to take life One Day At A Time.  I realized that I was living my life, the way others expected me to live, or maybe the way they wanted me to live and with doing that, I really was starting to lose myself. And with losing myself, I started to sabotage myself yet again with my dieting.

Someone recently said to me (and I am not quoting it because I honestly don't remember EXACTLY what they said) but their words hurt me more than they could ever know. I know they may think their words were just, and they are entitled to their opinions. However, I am NOT owning them. It is their opinions. This person said that I was F'd up & pretty much a horrible Mother and that my life and that of my daughters was out of control. I decided at that moment, that I was not going to own what they said. They are entitled to their feelings and who am I to try to change that. What that person doesn't realize is that, my life is mine, and I am a damn good mother. I am absolutely not perfect but their words will NOT destroy me. (What parent today doesn't feel like their life & the life of their teenager is out of control, even if it's for just a little while) Anyway, It is their loss that they have chosen to be out of my life. They are the ones who have chosen to not have anything to do with my daughter & I.
I feel sad for them. Lexi is an amazing young lady and she makes mistakes, but she is my daughter, and if they don't want to be part of my life, they sure as heck don't get to be part of her life. I let her know that she can have contact with them. But she is so hurt that people would judge me for something I didn't even do, but they think I did, and well I know this really doesn't make sense but What a shame that people you thought would always be there for you & with you, and they turn their backs on you. Life does go on. I'll explain it with an article I was recently asked to write. Then this rambling will actually make sense. One thing I am teaching Lexi is what TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE REALLY IS....

Had anyone told me 10 years ago that my family would be experiencing what many families experience with their teens. I would have bet my life, “NOT MY CHILD” I raised her better than that!  Well I’m here to tell you “YES MY CHILD!”

          I raised her to be a strong independent, young woman. She’s got so much going for her. Why? How? When did this happen? I have always had an open relationship with her. She could tell me ANYTHING! And I mean ANYTHING! We have a core foundation built around God, at the center, she loves church, loves to do so much.

          It began a while ago, small slight changes in her appearance, her weight, her hair color, and then the once popular kid that everyone wanted to be around had hardly any friends anymore, she was alone most of the time, and had become very withdrawn. There were so many signs, and she kept insisting it was everyone else that had changed. Not her!

          We have experienced some great losses of relationships  through these really tough times, but those that love us are still here.

          I kept blaming myself as did many others until I realized one day that for all the bad things that were happening there were still so many great things happening in our family. If I didn’t get on my knees  and truly “GIVE IT TO GOD” and forgive not just myself but my daughter and those that have been a “bad influence” in her life, we could never heal and get through this.

          I know what you’re thinking, “Yea right, another Holy Roller” pushing God on me. No, not this Mom. Yes, I’m faithful, and spiritual but definitely not a holy roller. That was the first thing I needed to do. The second was take “I” our of the equation. This wasn’t about me and my mistakes, and what I could have done differently. This was about my child. My teenage daughter. She didn’t need me to judge her, or be disappointed in her. She needed me to support her and help her get through this time. This was just about her.
          We as parents don’t realize that our words cause them to really beat themselves up. My once honest child beat herself up more with the thought of disappointing me, or seeing the disappointment in my face that she began to lie, and each lie became an even bigger lie. But she was honest about some things, so she didn’t “ALWAYS LIE” We can’t say ALWAYS during a situation, because to a teen, ALWAYS Means every time and they take that so literal. This I am learning every day.

          The third thing, not only did she go into counseling, so did I, with a different counselor. My counselor asked me to read a book and I thought to myself, GREAT, How is this going to help me? The book is Reviving Ophelia – Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher PH.D.

Boy I wish someone had told me about this book before the adolescent years. It really explains some of the many stages some girls go through, Mine included.

          This journey of forgiveness and healing has not happened over night, we are actually in the throws of it right now. It’s going to be a long journey and I am sure there will be many ups and downs, but I have faith in God, myself and my daughter that we will come out of this so much stronger and with a better relationship and mutual respect for each other.

          If there is something I can stress to you, Don’t judge your children. They are going to make many mistakes, let them learn from them, don’t take the responsibility of their mistakes, they need to own it. But most of all Don’t ever think “NOT MY CHILD!” because I am here to tell you, Yes, this could be your child, and your story too.

Life is not an easy one. We have gotten to a point in our relationship where we now have a quiet home, we listen to each other. Really listen and let each other finish what we are saying, and if we find that we are starting to get frustrated with each other, we walk away and come back when we are both able to talk calmly and respect each other. WOW, we never thought we'd get to a place like this. Our house was definitely chaotic because let's face it, raising a teenager is tough. And I guess in trying so hard not to be like my parents and yell all the time, and not let anyone finish and express their feelings, that in the end, that is what I did. Don't get me wrong, I'm not placing blame on my parents. They did the best they could at that time and they had 4 kids, and it was such a different generation back then. But in trying so hard not to be like them, I also ended up going from one extreme to the other. I did all the yelling, and screaming, and I also felt that I needed to almost be perfect. Have the perfect kid, the perfect life, and well, let's face it, Nothing & no one is perfect. I put so much pressure on myself to be that perfect because I didn't want anyone to see that I was dying inside & that I really needed help.

I tend to let people walk all over me and hurt me because I feel like that is what I deserve. Not one thing made me feel like that, it was a multitude of things. I will say this, I no longer feel like I need to be the perfect Mom, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect daughter, or the perfect girlfriend. Because I am human & I make mistakes and if people want to walk away, that's ok. God brings people into our lives for a reason & some of them are not always meant to stay. And those that have walked away during the hard times, will definitely not reap the benefits of our good life that we are building. I go, but to sleep every night, knowing that is ok. It made me really sad at first, but not anymore. The relationships that I once thought were so strong, truly ended up being the ones that caused me so much stress and sometimes we have to mourn the loss of certain relationships and that is ok. I have to forgive to move forward. I forgive that they have chosen to judge me and walk away. That is their right. I wish them nothing but the best. At the end of the day there is only one person I Need to make happy & that is God. He is going to be the one I will stand before on my judgement day and he will see that I have really worked hard & continue to work hard to make my life better, and the life of my daughter as well.

It's funny, teenagers make such dumb mistakes. (I remember some really stupid ones I made and I look back & laugh now and think, boy did I really think I knew better back then! LOL)
They do things that we would hope they wouldn't. They put themselves in situations without thinking of the consequences and some have to learn the hard way. That as a parent is so hard, when you have to sit back and allow them to learn the hard way. That is what will make them much better adults some day. I know for me, I can only guide my daughter and give her the skills that I have learned growing up. But I have to watch her have her heart broken, watch her hurt when she loses a friend due to a fight, or a boyfriend who breaks her heart. That is how we all learn, and although I want to save her from most of these painful experiences, she needs to learn to grow and be a better person.
Counseling had been a GOD SENT!!! We have such a long way to go, and we have come so far & gone 20 days with a quiet household, and respecting each other so much more than we did before. We laugh so much more, and we share so much more. Trust me, there will be days and have been days that I am frustrated with choices that are made, and things that are done but how I react is really what makes a huge difference.

Sorry for the long post. It's been quite a long time since I have written, I had a lot to say!

I was so honored to have been asked to write an article saying something to other parents of teenagers who also make not the most perfect/or smart decisions, and my best advice would be, read the book I mentioned above, get into counseling and first & foremost, REALLY LISTEN TO YOUR TEENAGER! Not just what they are saying, what their body language is saying, what their appearance is showing you.... But always always, let your children know that NO MATTER WHAT, YOU LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY!!!! Show them what that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE REALLY IS... We are their safe place & they are going to try to push every button & push every boundary. WE need to show them by example what unconditional love really is... Always remind them... Always love them, because no one in this world will love them like you!!!