Grace has been defined as the outward expression
of the inward harmony of the soul.
~William Hazlitt

I am up early on a Saturday and dreading going to the Dr's this morning. Ugh, the dreaded scale. I have not been to the Dr's in months other than for my Mammogram. And well, that wasn't the Dr's that was just radiologist. I need to transfer my records to my friends office, but because I needed to have all kinds of blood work & was out of meds, I had to go to where my friend used to work so that I could get all my meds. I hate going to a new Dr. The one I trust Stephenie, is not close, but I will transfer to her because I trust her more than any other Dr I have ever seen. Hate that I couldn't just go see her first. But my next appt, will be to see her..
I will not post this until I update it after my appt. But I am committing before I go that I will quit smoking and drinking as of Monday. I know I have gained some of my weight back. Probably at least 20 of the 45 lbs I lost.. I have no one else to blame but myself. This is a struggle for me. UGH..... I have got to get it together. I would like to lose 40 lbs by April. At least 40 lbs & I know I Can do it and it will be back on the NO GRAINS & starting back on my shakes too! I felt so much better when I was eating healthy. Let's face it, eating healthy is not always cheap either. But I did it before & I will do it again. Gotta get my head back in the game.. FOCUS.....FOCUS.....FOCUS......

I need to shower & get ready, but I will do anything to procrastinate. Do you find that when things are going well & you are doing great, then something happens and you sabotage yourself? I know that is so how I am. I need to remember to stop the sugar because that is a huge trigger for me. Other than sugar & creamer in my coffee there will be NO MORE SUGAR!!! I felt so much better, my skin was better, and I was so much happier....

I have let life and the tough times convince myself that I don't deserve to be happy! WRONG!!! I do deserve to be happy and letting those tough times, and the people who, have hurt me, well when I sabotage myself those people control me without even trying, without even knowing they are.

I have recently had my heart broken. Stupidity on my part and trusting someone who I believed would never hurt me, and well, yea, he hurt me. I don't get why people have to lie? Why not just tell the truth? I guess because I do, and I wear my heart on my sleeve is why I think others would too. And he said, I like you, then I really like you, then I'm falling for you, then falling hard for you, then I am falling in love with you, then I have fallen in love with you. Then those 3 words.... I LOVE YOU.... Not words that come out of my mouth so easily either... I wanted to believe that all those hours talking and getting to know each other without the physical part thrown in, that could we have actually fallen in love with each other after all these years? YUP, I  truly believed we were falling for each other. WOW, how old am I? To think that guys don't play games even at 44. Was I ever wrong.

I know what you're thinking, how do you fall in love over the phone.. I guess sharing so much and letting someone in to your heart when you are vulnerable because you just came out of another relationship, that well, yea, this guy, really does, we really do. I think we really cared for each other & I feel for the guy "HE PRETENDED TO BE". That's hard. A friend told me that I am always shocked when I get hurt because I knowingly fall for the wrong people. He was right. I am trying to fill something in my heart that is missing and well, lately I found out what that was. It wasn't a person, it was something within... Over time, I will share with you what that is, right now, I am not ready to share it. It's nothing major, nothing life altering. I am just looking for that fantasy and well, when that fantasy is presented to me, well I fall & fall hard! I always have to remember, if it seems to good to be true, odds are, it is too good to be true..

Well it's time I got myself ready for my Dr's appt. I will be back later!

So, it was bad, but not as bad as I thought! I did gain some weight. 22 lbs of the almost 50 I lost. But I'm still ahead of where I was on January 1. So as hard as I'm being on myself, I have to use that to focus and get back on track. Instead of starting Monday, I'm starting tomorrow. I will finish my wine tonight, and that's it, no more wine but occasionally because I know that is where my calories & sugar are coming from. I'm also going to quit smoking tomorrow and then get my food on track and I will be back on top in no time. I feel like crap, but complaining about it isn't going to get it off. Only working out & working on it. So here goes.... the saga will continue.

I know that when I have a relationship that goes bad, or stress in my life gets crazy, I turn to food. And I use having a glass or 2 of wine at night to go to sleep as an excuse to shut my brain down. I have to go to healthier things. Going for long walks, working out, and just moving.. oh & eating healthier too. But I've been so depressed over life that when I come home from work I eat, then I lay around & have a glass of wine or 2. And it's usually late by the time dinner is on the table. Any time after 7-7:30. So I will be preparing my meals ahead of time as best as I can, & ask Lexi to help put it on before I get home.

Ugh, I have used so many excuses to WHY? Let's face it, I can make so many excuses as to WHY? but they won't matter if I don't do anything to fix it. So fixing it in the first step. One step at a time!!
It is gorgeous out there so I am going to get to stepping and get some work done around my house and outside.

Hope you all enjoy this beautiful day!
GodSpeed!