You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.
~~Abraham Lincoln~~
Oh was today a crazy day! The last few days have been. But I woke up and decided that I needed to defriend some people on facebook. One being the absolute love of my life! WHY? you might ask?? Because, I think that is the only way I can let go of him and move on. I don't think he'll contact me for a while anyway. I called him out on some stuff and I think he has no defense so he's ignoring me. Although he did send me a few words today when I was having my tests done. I was cordial & said :Thank you" but then I said, now we can go back to not talking & he didn't say anything back. I appreciated that he acknowledged what I was going through, but whatever!!! I am so done, and the sad thing about it is, I told him he was pushing me to the point of no return, and I AM SO THERE! So, now it's time for me to cut my losses and move on..
That won't be a problem. I have a lot of work to do on me! My relationship with God, my daughter, my family & my friends. I have so many people in my life who make me a priority because I make them a priority. Now getting back to putting me as a first priority is going to be hard, it still is, I'm trying. I have been doing well on my diet. Although today I barely ate then I had some homemade chicken fettuccine. Yea, it had some grain, in the pasta. Ugh my biggest weakness, but I'm doing so much better than I was & I will get there! Going grain free is really hard, but it will come, because I did so great at the beginning of the year! We had a party at work and I had some spicy buffalo chicken dip with these weird chips. They were good though & I didn't have much.
I got to meet one of my colleagues from one of the manufacturers whose drugs we dispense through our pharmacy and there was nothing sweeter than getting a big hug from "JOE" and him not letting go! His Dad passed away a few weeks ago, and he was one of our patients & I got to know Joe really well because I always went out of my way to ask about his dad, not because I had too, but because I genuinely cared about him! I had sent a sympathy card on my own to him & it was a special card. And he just hugged me then held my hand & told me how much I meant to him & how glad he was to finally meet me! It was such a pleasure to meet him too though! That was one of the highlights of my day! The other was my friend TJ, really supporting me while I was having my tests done today & he just kept keeping me stay focused & positive which I also appreciated.
TJ has become a really good friend to me, he has beat cancer 3 times. He is an amazing guy and I am so fortunate to call him my friend! When I told him about what was going on, he made sure to keep me laughing & told me, "Laughter was good for the soul"! He was right! It really helped! I am so blessed with the people who have come into my life through this job of mine! He is the one who also told me when I was complaining about allowing someone to hurt me so deeply. He said, "You can't change the past or how people treated you in the past.... Just make the future so meaningful that the past becomes less meaningful"...... That is what I have decided to do. I have got to do a lot of convincing at times because I am such a creature of habit, and I really hate change when it comes to relationships. I would rather settle then let go & move on... But not now, I am moving on... And in time, I will look back and realize that there was something to be learned from that failed relationship! It hurts, no doubt, and I am sure I will have sleepless nights over it... But I have to keep my faith & know that God will bring me through those horrible painful times and just teach me what I need to learn and then I will be able to move on....
Ok, so today was not supposed to be all about my failed relationship, but I need to get it off my chest to be able to not sabotage myself! I'm not perfect. I have made mistakes and I have been hurt, but I have decided to pick myself up & Keep on going, because God has something so much better in store for me, for us! For Lexi & I! I think there are times that we all need to take responsibility for our failures in our lives, but we will never succeed if we don't fail & then pick ourselves back up & keep trying.
Well I am going to close this long winded post tonight. As you see, It really wasn't about my food. Some days it will, some days it won' t be, but most of the time, it's just about my life and what changes I need to make to be successful at this lifestyle change. And so far, I'm doing a pretty good job. I will take it "One day at a Time" like I do so many other aspects of my life.
Hope you all have a great evening and thanks for coming back..
Godspeed!!!
Jenn
Jenn's Lifestyle Change
Jenn
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Sometimes life doesn't go the way we have planned
"It's not about who hurt you and breaks you down, it's about who was always there to make you smile again."
This has been a crazy few days. My back has been out, my love life has taken a big dive in the toilet through no fault of my own, and then I find a lump in my breast. I need to stop asking, "WHAT IN THE WORLD CAN HAPPEN NEXT?" Because I got up this morning and my SUV battery was dead! I mean dead! Would not turn over at all! UGGGG And then I was late for work! Just what I needed.
So, I have had to say goodbye to someone I thought I loved with all my heart! Actually, I know I Love him with all my heart, but I have to mourn the relationship because he has been so dishonest with me, that I can no longer continue with him in my life.
I have been through so much, and I trusted this man more than I have ever trusted any many in my life, and he took full advantage of that! Which sucks, because I honestly thought this was the man I would grow old with. It's going to be very hard for me to not have a hardening to my heart. The wall is up. I am not going to let anyone in so easily anymore. And that is HIS FAULT!!!! How do you lie to someone you say you love? I just don't get it? odo you promise someone you will be honest with them and then continue to lie? Life has not gone the way I had planned the last few months.
Moving forward, I'm going to get back on track with my relationship with God. Going to spend more time with my family and friends and doing things I want to do!
Now, on to my lump in my right breast. I am going for a digital mammogram tomorrow & I am scared shitless! I must admit, I am feeling like "REALLY?? I can't handle anymore!"
Moving forward, I'm going to get back on track with my relationship with God. Going to spend more time with my family and friends and doing things I want to do!
Now, on to my lump in my right breast. I am going for a digital mammogram tomorrow & I am scared shitless! I must admit, I am feeling like "REALLY?? I can't handle anymore!"
The one person I wanted to tell, will not be in my life. HE will not be part of whatever I will be going through, because he has proven how little he cares for me!
I know whatever God puts before me, he will walk me through it and no one else. But it has been real nice to have my friend TJ, who has had several kinds of cancer, be there for me today and make me laugh when I honestly didn't feel like laughing. And made me feel like it is ok to be afraid, but that laughter is good for the soul as he said. HE was so right! He has helped me laugh more today than I have laughed in days.
ok. I'm going to stay positive. And again, remember that if things dont go as I have planned, God and my family & friends will go through it with me. Whatever that is.....
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Today, I choose the higher road
the path of charity, acceptance, love, selflessness, kindness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I have had to choose the higher road this weekend. I am not going to get in to a bashing here on my blog, but this person hurt me so deeply. I am about as honest as they come. I am not perfect, and nor do I ever portray to be perfect. I don't expect much. But I expect honesty. I don't trust easily and when that wall is broken down which not many people can do, but this person was able too from day one. This person has damaged our relationship & friendship that I don't know if it can ever be repaired. That hurts me to say that, because just the day before, or even that morning, I was saying how I always wanted this person in my life, they were one of my best friends....
It was bad enough I was in pain from my back & emotional from lack of sleep. I was barely eating too. I did not eat a lot this weekend. The pain in my back has been so bad. I barely ate at all to be honest.
I was in too much pain to sit here last night & type, so that is why I skipped my posting yesterday.
But then when I got the news yesterday that this person broke my trust, I was literally sick over it. I couldn't eat, I was crushed. All I had yesterday was a cup of coffee, then I had a bowl of gluten free cereal. Then I had chicken & broccoli for lunch with cheese. And for dinner I had a few bites of pot stickers which Lexi & Sydney made. I have decided that I will do 100% grain free Monday through Friday & on the weekends, I'll do my best to stay as close to grain free as possible, but I will on occasion have a pasta meal on Sunday.
I went to bed early last night, but didn't fall asleep. Still not sleeping because of the back pain. Took 2 pain pills, no such luck in falling asleep, so I took 2 more about 3 hours later. It took me another hour to fall asleep.
Then today, I got up, had a cup of coffee, and then nothing for lunch, and one cup of spaghetti for dinner because that was the easiest thing for Lexi to make for dinner.
I have been drinking a lot of water, probably more than I usually do. But I'm trying to drink a lot of it.
Tonight, I sit here & think about all the people in my life who are in my life & supporting my journey here with this lifestyle change. And I am so grateful to you all. This is always going to be a battle for me. But I am taking it one day at a time. And just like my recovery with drugs, I am going to take this lifestyle change one day at a time and sometimes it's one minute at a time...
I am really not up to writing much more tonight. I'm going to head to bed.
One thing I have learned this weekend. I owe NO ONE ANYTHING... I owe MYSELF EVERYTHING! I deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, and peoples actions really speak volumes to who they are.
I did not sabotage myself which was really difficult but I didn't. I'm proud of that!!
Hope you all have a great evening!
Godspeed!
Jenn
the path of charity, acceptance, love, selflessness, kindness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I have had to choose the higher road this weekend. I am not going to get in to a bashing here on my blog, but this person hurt me so deeply. I am about as honest as they come. I am not perfect, and nor do I ever portray to be perfect. I don't expect much. But I expect honesty. I don't trust easily and when that wall is broken down which not many people can do, but this person was able too from day one. This person has damaged our relationship & friendship that I don't know if it can ever be repaired. That hurts me to say that, because just the day before, or even that morning, I was saying how I always wanted this person in my life, they were one of my best friends....
It was bad enough I was in pain from my back & emotional from lack of sleep. I was barely eating too. I did not eat a lot this weekend. The pain in my back has been so bad. I barely ate at all to be honest.
I was in too much pain to sit here last night & type, so that is why I skipped my posting yesterday.
But then when I got the news yesterday that this person broke my trust, I was literally sick over it. I couldn't eat, I was crushed. All I had yesterday was a cup of coffee, then I had a bowl of gluten free cereal. Then I had chicken & broccoli for lunch with cheese. And for dinner I had a few bites of pot stickers which Lexi & Sydney made. I have decided that I will do 100% grain free Monday through Friday & on the weekends, I'll do my best to stay as close to grain free as possible, but I will on occasion have a pasta meal on Sunday.
I went to bed early last night, but didn't fall asleep. Still not sleeping because of the back pain. Took 2 pain pills, no such luck in falling asleep, so I took 2 more about 3 hours later. It took me another hour to fall asleep.
Then today, I got up, had a cup of coffee, and then nothing for lunch, and one cup of spaghetti for dinner because that was the easiest thing for Lexi to make for dinner.
I have been drinking a lot of water, probably more than I usually do. But I'm trying to drink a lot of it.
Tonight, I sit here & think about all the people in my life who are in my life & supporting my journey here with this lifestyle change. And I am so grateful to you all. This is always going to be a battle for me. But I am taking it one day at a time. And just like my recovery with drugs, I am going to take this lifestyle change one day at a time and sometimes it's one minute at a time...
I am really not up to writing much more tonight. I'm going to head to bed.
One thing I have learned this weekend. I owe NO ONE ANYTHING... I owe MYSELF EVERYTHING! I deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, and peoples actions really speak volumes to who they are.
I did not sabotage myself which was really difficult but I didn't. I'm proud of that!!
Hope you all have a great evening!
Godspeed!
Jenn
Friday, September 21, 2012
Stand up to your obstacles
and do something about them.
You will find they haven't
half the strength you think they have.
~~Norman Vincent Peale~~
What an awesome quote that is today!
I am still having some back pain today. Who am I kidding, it's a lot of back pain! UGGG I can barely sit in my chair at work. I am stretched out almost laying in my chair and trying to work. I have taken 2 aleeve's and it has NOT touched the pain. That is how I know it is bad. I took a dilaudid last night, which I was hoping would help me sleep. NOT SO MUCH! So, I'm suffering today not just of back pain, but lack of sleep for the last 2 nights an of course what else, heart ache in my love life while I am trying to work out some other life issues.
I wanted to just stay in bed and not get out today. It took every ounce of me to get out of bed & face today with a smile. It is very apparent that something is wrong with me, as the pain shows in my face! The pain from my back, the pain from life in general today. But because of the pain in my back, I can fake everything else to get through the day. I can keep putting that "SMILE ON MY FACE" and telling everyone I am fine, I'll be fine, I just need to go home & get into bed with a heating pad & some muscle relaxers. Which is definitely what will happen tonight when I get home, which is why I am writing now. I for the first time today, took the elevator downstairs to my department after getting my hot chocolate this morning. I have never taken that thing. But I got halfway up the stairs & thought I was going to pass out from the pain, so I thought it best, and a friend of mine suggested it when I was going up! LOL I work with some of the greatest people, they are so caring. They really are! I always say, how GOD put me in this job for a reason. These coworkers, and friends of mine have really helped me grow as a person. They have enriched my life so much, and they probably have NO idea how much they have! Each & every one of them that I consider my friend.
As I sit here, the pain is unbearable. I'm tired, in pain & HUNGRY! So, I almost got the poptart I have in my desk. But instead I reached in the draw & got a protein bar! I really wanted that pop tart! Food has always comforted me, but here I go again, and I am facing my demons and praying continuously for God to give me the strength to get through this, to get through all of my challenges, because honestly, I can not do it by myself. (Thanks for the reminder LJ).
Let me just mention LJ for a minute. She is an amazing woman who I am so proud to call my friend. When I lost my job, I volunteered for her at church and we got to know each other really well. The one thing I Love most about her, and mind you, she's in her 20's, so I'm old enough to be her Mom, she is so full of God, and so full of knowledge that whenever I need a reminder to keep My focus on God & keep him in the middle, I either run into her at church, or she messages me after reading something I have posted. She reads the "IN BETWEEN" The words I have left unspoken. She contacts me and just knows what to say, and I know God has brought this amazing young woman into my life, because she has taught me so much about myself, about God, and just about Love & Life in general! She's not perfect, and that's the beauty of it. But she is truly amazing! I love you girl! Thank you for always being my friend & always knowing when I need you!!! And of course Thank you for reading my blog! :)
So, I sit here, I have a ton of work to do and I'm going to get on it in a minute, but I am so glad I have started writing this blog again. It's not anything important for anyone else, it's really all about me, for me to get stuff out of my head so that I can stay strong, and those that read it, some I hear from, so I don't which is fine, but I love the support I get, knowing that I am not alone in this battle.
I weighed myself today which I normally would have waited until Monday morning to do, but I wanted to see how I was doing so far, and I know I have lost a lot of water weight, because I have lost 3 lbs already & today is only day 5. So, I'll be excited to see what Monday brings. When I see the loss, it really helps motivate me. I am starting to feel better from eating little to no grain. I will have a little every once in a while with a meal, like maybe a little rice, but I'm staying away from the main grains which is bread, crackers, and all that crap.
I hope you all have a great evening. I will not post this to my facebook until tonight because I don't have facebook access from my work computer, but I will definitely share it later. If you happened to read this early in the day, you get a preview before everyone else who comes through facebook.
Ok I'm back to post this to facebook, and wanted to finish my day. I had an apple pecan salad from Wendy's for lunch. And my back hurts so bad I can't eat, I had 2 bites of chicken salad for dinner and was too nauseous, so I am taking a pill and hoping to fall asleep! If anyone reading this was wondering where I'd be, it's bed! Good night all!
I'll be back over the weekend!
Godspeed!!
Jenn
and do something about them.
You will find they haven't
half the strength you think they have.
~~Norman Vincent Peale~~
What an awesome quote that is today!
I am still having some back pain today. Who am I kidding, it's a lot of back pain! UGGG I can barely sit in my chair at work. I am stretched out almost laying in my chair and trying to work. I have taken 2 aleeve's and it has NOT touched the pain. That is how I know it is bad. I took a dilaudid last night, which I was hoping would help me sleep. NOT SO MUCH! So, I'm suffering today not just of back pain, but lack of sleep for the last 2 nights an of course what else, heart ache in my love life while I am trying to work out some other life issues.
I wanted to just stay in bed and not get out today. It took every ounce of me to get out of bed & face today with a smile. It is very apparent that something is wrong with me, as the pain shows in my face! The pain from my back, the pain from life in general today. But because of the pain in my back, I can fake everything else to get through the day. I can keep putting that "SMILE ON MY FACE" and telling everyone I am fine, I'll be fine, I just need to go home & get into bed with a heating pad & some muscle relaxers. Which is definitely what will happen tonight when I get home, which is why I am writing now. I for the first time today, took the elevator downstairs to my department after getting my hot chocolate this morning. I have never taken that thing. But I got halfway up the stairs & thought I was going to pass out from the pain, so I thought it best, and a friend of mine suggested it when I was going up! LOL I work with some of the greatest people, they are so caring. They really are! I always say, how GOD put me in this job for a reason. These coworkers, and friends of mine have really helped me grow as a person. They have enriched my life so much, and they probably have NO idea how much they have! Each & every one of them that I consider my friend.
As I sit here, the pain is unbearable. I'm tired, in pain & HUNGRY! So, I almost got the poptart I have in my desk. But instead I reached in the draw & got a protein bar! I really wanted that pop tart! Food has always comforted me, but here I go again, and I am facing my demons and praying continuously for God to give me the strength to get through this, to get through all of my challenges, because honestly, I can not do it by myself. (Thanks for the reminder LJ).
Let me just mention LJ for a minute. She is an amazing woman who I am so proud to call my friend. When I lost my job, I volunteered for her at church and we got to know each other really well. The one thing I Love most about her, and mind you, she's in her 20's, so I'm old enough to be her Mom, she is so full of God, and so full of knowledge that whenever I need a reminder to keep My focus on God & keep him in the middle, I either run into her at church, or she messages me after reading something I have posted. She reads the "IN BETWEEN" The words I have left unspoken. She contacts me and just knows what to say, and I know God has brought this amazing young woman into my life, because she has taught me so much about myself, about God, and just about Love & Life in general! She's not perfect, and that's the beauty of it. But she is truly amazing! I love you girl! Thank you for always being my friend & always knowing when I need you!!! And of course Thank you for reading my blog! :)
So, I sit here, I have a ton of work to do and I'm going to get on it in a minute, but I am so glad I have started writing this blog again. It's not anything important for anyone else, it's really all about me, for me to get stuff out of my head so that I can stay strong, and those that read it, some I hear from, so I don't which is fine, but I love the support I get, knowing that I am not alone in this battle.
I weighed myself today which I normally would have waited until Monday morning to do, but I wanted to see how I was doing so far, and I know I have lost a lot of water weight, because I have lost 3 lbs already & today is only day 5. So, I'll be excited to see what Monday brings. When I see the loss, it really helps motivate me. I am starting to feel better from eating little to no grain. I will have a little every once in a while with a meal, like maybe a little rice, but I'm staying away from the main grains which is bread, crackers, and all that crap.
I hope you all have a great evening. I will not post this to my facebook until tonight because I don't have facebook access from my work computer, but I will definitely share it later. If you happened to read this early in the day, you get a preview before everyone else who comes through facebook.
Ok I'm back to post this to facebook, and wanted to finish my day. I had an apple pecan salad from Wendy's for lunch. And my back hurts so bad I can't eat, I had 2 bites of chicken salad for dinner and was too nauseous, so I am taking a pill and hoping to fall asleep! If anyone reading this was wondering where I'd be, it's bed! Good night all!
I'll be back over the weekend!
Godspeed!!
Jenn
Thursday, September 20, 2012
When I'm trusting and being myself.....
everything in my life refliects this
by falling into place easily, often, miraculously~~~Shakti Gawain~~~
Today was a really good day for the most part. It's been a really long week. Actually it's been a crappy day, who am I kidding? I slept like crap. I was up every hour on the hour. I slept with the windows open & had the fan on & I was hot, then I was cold, it was just a miserable night sleep. I was late to work because of traffic. I was only 5 minutes late, but I hate to be late, glad other people were late too. Then I waited to get hot chocolate, because I don't usually drink coffee once I get to work. I drink it at home, and then I do the gourmet hot chocolate. Well I needed to get a box of the stuff out from under the cabinet & thought I heard my hip pop, and then I could barely stand up. I have barely been able to move all day long! The pain is so bad, it has made me sick to my stomach!
For breakfast I had coffee. Then once I got to work, I had an orange, then the hot chocolate. For lunch I had Chick fil a, I got grilled chicken nuggets, with their fries, which are gluten free, and then I had a lemonade. For dinner I had a small serving of chicken salad. I am just in so much pain. I don't know if I am having a diverticulitis attack or if I am just having back trouble, all I know is my entire right side hurts, so this is going to be a short post tonight because I had a glass of wine, I'm taking a pain pill & going to sleep!
Hope you all have a good night! I'll be back & in better spirits tomorrow! I wanted to at least stick to my writing every day before I went to bed. Because I know me, if I don't write, I won't stick to my plan! And I'm doing really well so far! Getting through the first week is the toughest!!
GodSpeed!!
Jenn
everything in my life refliects this
by falling into place easily, often, miraculously~~~Shakti Gawain~~~
Today was a really good day for the most part. It's been a really long week. Actually it's been a crappy day, who am I kidding? I slept like crap. I was up every hour on the hour. I slept with the windows open & had the fan on & I was hot, then I was cold, it was just a miserable night sleep. I was late to work because of traffic. I was only 5 minutes late, but I hate to be late, glad other people were late too. Then I waited to get hot chocolate, because I don't usually drink coffee once I get to work. I drink it at home, and then I do the gourmet hot chocolate. Well I needed to get a box of the stuff out from under the cabinet & thought I heard my hip pop, and then I could barely stand up. I have barely been able to move all day long! The pain is so bad, it has made me sick to my stomach!
For breakfast I had coffee. Then once I got to work, I had an orange, then the hot chocolate. For lunch I had Chick fil a, I got grilled chicken nuggets, with their fries, which are gluten free, and then I had a lemonade. For dinner I had a small serving of chicken salad. I am just in so much pain. I don't know if I am having a diverticulitis attack or if I am just having back trouble, all I know is my entire right side hurts, so this is going to be a short post tonight because I had a glass of wine, I'm taking a pain pill & going to sleep!
Hope you all have a good night! I'll be back & in better spirits tomorrow! I wanted to at least stick to my writing every day before I went to bed. Because I know me, if I don't write, I won't stick to my plan! And I'm doing really well so far! Getting through the first week is the toughest!!
GodSpeed!!
Jenn
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. ~~Eleanor Roosevelt~~
Another saying that so fits me. I need to stop and look fear in the face.
How many of us have fears that we keep running from?
I know for me, I have several. I think part of my eating issues, NO, I know a big part of my eating issues come from my fear in having a "Normal relationship" with any man. I guess I have always felt that my outwardly appearance will make a man care about me or not. And since I had so much sexual abuse growing up, by a friends father, it has been really hard for me. I continuously think I let that part of my life go. But honestly, when I stop & think about it, I guess deep down I have not. Hence, why I then overeat or sabotage myself when someone (especially men) give me great compliments when I am doing really well & looking good from losing some of this weight, my armour as I have called it my entire life. I don't know how to take compliments. My FNP at the Dr's office told me once, that when someone gives me a compliment, I need to smile & say Thank you. She said that I don't accept a compliment, I am always responding with "if only I lost more" or something, instead of just being proud of where I am, and just say a "thank you". Starting from here on out, that is what I am going to do. I'm going to stop beating myself up, stop knocking myself, because honestly, I'm only failing at this if I do not pick myself back up & keep on trying. So, every day, I keep on trying.
Today is a pretty good day. I have discovered that having a strawberry yogurt bar is probably not a good snack to have, because it has too much sugar and it cause me to crave sugar, which is probably why I had 2 small cookies after lunch today. Because they were left over from the big meeting the leadership team had today. I didn't even go in the room, so I should not have told my friend Julie, to get me 2. Even though the size of them together is like 1 regular cookie. I should have just not even entertained having them. But I will not beat myself up. I had the protein bar for breakfast with water at work, after I had coffee at home. Then I had a big salad, lettuce, craisins, cheese, pecans & apples for lunch with the pomegranate vinaigrette salad dressing. Then those 2 cookies, and now I am chewing gum. A friend of mine got me started on this gum called "5" it's cobalt flavor & it's sugar free. It has helped with my smoking, that's for sure. I have not had one in over 2 days. Yea, this morning, when Lexi texted me from school several times asking me to pick her up because she was sick, I really wanted one. But I resisted the temptation.
Boy was she sick when I got there to get her. I took her home, and was late for work. Good thing, my supervisor is great about this stuff, I was able to make up the 25 minutes I was late during my lunch hour. Can't help having a sick kid. I hated leaving her at home alone, but it wouldn't have done me any good to be there, because she was sooo very grouchy & she needed to sleep. So she slept a few hours and was feeling a little better when I spoke to her a little while ago.
Tonight for dinner, I think we're going to have some cheesy chicken & broccoli casserole. YUMMY! It's one of my favorites!!! LOVE IT! My friend Kim gave me the recipe a while ago and I just love it!!! It's low fat, low carb low everything!
That's about it, work is a little slow at the moment, it's lunch time on the west coast so it will pick up in a few minutes I'm sure!
I hope ya'll have a great rest of the day, and a wonderful evening.
Godspeed!!
Jenn
You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. ~~Eleanor Roosevelt~~
Another saying that so fits me. I need to stop and look fear in the face.
How many of us have fears that we keep running from?
I know for me, I have several. I think part of my eating issues, NO, I know a big part of my eating issues come from my fear in having a "Normal relationship" with any man. I guess I have always felt that my outwardly appearance will make a man care about me or not. And since I had so much sexual abuse growing up, by a friends father, it has been really hard for me. I continuously think I let that part of my life go. But honestly, when I stop & think about it, I guess deep down I have not. Hence, why I then overeat or sabotage myself when someone (especially men) give me great compliments when I am doing really well & looking good from losing some of this weight, my armour as I have called it my entire life. I don't know how to take compliments. My FNP at the Dr's office told me once, that when someone gives me a compliment, I need to smile & say Thank you. She said that I don't accept a compliment, I am always responding with "if only I lost more" or something, instead of just being proud of where I am, and just say a "thank you". Starting from here on out, that is what I am going to do. I'm going to stop beating myself up, stop knocking myself, because honestly, I'm only failing at this if I do not pick myself back up & keep on trying. So, every day, I keep on trying.
Today is a pretty good day. I have discovered that having a strawberry yogurt bar is probably not a good snack to have, because it has too much sugar and it cause me to crave sugar, which is probably why I had 2 small cookies after lunch today. Because they were left over from the big meeting the leadership team had today. I didn't even go in the room, so I should not have told my friend Julie, to get me 2. Even though the size of them together is like 1 regular cookie. I should have just not even entertained having them. But I will not beat myself up. I had the protein bar for breakfast with water at work, after I had coffee at home. Then I had a big salad, lettuce, craisins, cheese, pecans & apples for lunch with the pomegranate vinaigrette salad dressing. Then those 2 cookies, and now I am chewing gum. A friend of mine got me started on this gum called "5" it's cobalt flavor & it's sugar free. It has helped with my smoking, that's for sure. I have not had one in over 2 days. Yea, this morning, when Lexi texted me from school several times asking me to pick her up because she was sick, I really wanted one. But I resisted the temptation.
Boy was she sick when I got there to get her. I took her home, and was late for work. Good thing, my supervisor is great about this stuff, I was able to make up the 25 minutes I was late during my lunch hour. Can't help having a sick kid. I hated leaving her at home alone, but it wouldn't have done me any good to be there, because she was sooo very grouchy & she needed to sleep. So she slept a few hours and was feeling a little better when I spoke to her a little while ago.
Tonight for dinner, I think we're going to have some cheesy chicken & broccoli casserole. YUMMY! It's one of my favorites!!! LOVE IT! My friend Kim gave me the recipe a while ago and I just love it!!! It's low fat, low carb low everything!
That's about it, work is a little slow at the moment, it's lunch time on the west coast so it will pick up in a few minutes I'm sure!
I hope ya'll have a great rest of the day, and a wonderful evening.
Godspeed!!
Jenn
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
You never really appreciate a thing until you have to give it up.
~ John Rhodes Sturdy
How Ironic that this saying was in my email this morning.
I try to find quotes that pertain to something I am going through or just could be inspiring.
How true is this saying though. In some cases it's about a person, or a thing, such a food. In my case, it is kind of about both...
Why is it, when we have to give something up, we want it that much more? Forget about just appreciating it. If it is a person, yes, we appreciate it so much more, but if it's food, I guess coming from the generation I did, I learned "You can't leave the dinner table until you clear your plate!" Or "Do you know how many people in Africa are starving? Finish all that's on your plate!"
Now, I'm not blaming anyone for the fact that I am overweight. It is a direct result of MY OWN Actions. I am in my 40's. I am old enough to know better, old enough to stop putting things in my mouth that I know are not good for me. Yet, I still make the choice to put that cookie in my mouth, or have some chips, or ice cream, instead of an apple or an orange. But I have now, starting this week, gone back to having none of my trigger foods in the house. Triggers for me, are crackers mainly. If I have 1, I have to have a handful or more. My other trigger is Cheese doodles. Yes, that has been my choice of "Junk food" since I am a kid. So that is out of the house too, no more temptations.
I have to remember that I didn't gain weight over night, and I will not lose it over night. I have to stop beating myself up for things that go wrong in my life, and stop sabotaging myself. I made the commitment again, YES AGAIN, to really work hard and get my life back under control.
I have learned that I can fall 500 times, but it's getting back up for the 501st time that is what counts. I have to learn to get rid of the negative people in my life. I have so many wonderful people in my life that support me in ways that some people could not imagine, and that means more to me than you could know.
I am sitting here, at work, looking out the window, and one minute it was pouring down rain, and the next, the sun is trying to come out. My weight loss is kind of like the weather. One minute is so on track, like the sun shining, and the next could be like a bad rainy day, blowing it 100%.
I have to remind myself that, that will happen some days, and I am not going to beat myself up, I'm going to stop, pray really hard, and ask God to continue to take this walk with me, because clearly I can not do this myself! I am not perfect, I have to stop trying to be perfect, and have to stop expecting other people to be perfect, because I am continuously disappointed by that, and that is why I have failed relationships, failed diets, failed lifestyle changes, failed lots of things, but as long as I notice that I have looked in all the wrong places, and start to get on the right track, I think I will be ok. Actually I KNOW I will be ok!
I usually only write once a day on my blog, but I had all this in my head and needed to get it out. So I will write more later this evening and let you know how my food is going.
I did really well with my food today. I had coffee this morning, and an orange and piece of string cheese. Then for lunch, I had a salad, with lettuce, apples, pecans, cheese, and craisins, I then topped it with Pomegranite vinegarette. It was so good. Then I had some chicken salad that was left over from dinner last night. That was really good. It was just chicken breast with mayo. I am still full from lunch, so I'm not having anything else right now.
I'm so tired. I think I'm just going to relax and watch some tv.
Hope you all have a great night!
Godspeed!
Jenn
~ John Rhodes Sturdy
How Ironic that this saying was in my email this morning.
I try to find quotes that pertain to something I am going through or just could be inspiring.
How true is this saying though. In some cases it's about a person, or a thing, such a food. In my case, it is kind of about both...
Why is it, when we have to give something up, we want it that much more? Forget about just appreciating it. If it is a person, yes, we appreciate it so much more, but if it's food, I guess coming from the generation I did, I learned "You can't leave the dinner table until you clear your plate!" Or "Do you know how many people in Africa are starving? Finish all that's on your plate!"
Now, I'm not blaming anyone for the fact that I am overweight. It is a direct result of MY OWN Actions. I am in my 40's. I am old enough to know better, old enough to stop putting things in my mouth that I know are not good for me. Yet, I still make the choice to put that cookie in my mouth, or have some chips, or ice cream, instead of an apple or an orange. But I have now, starting this week, gone back to having none of my trigger foods in the house. Triggers for me, are crackers mainly. If I have 1, I have to have a handful or more. My other trigger is Cheese doodles. Yes, that has been my choice of "Junk food" since I am a kid. So that is out of the house too, no more temptations.
I have to remember that I didn't gain weight over night, and I will not lose it over night. I have to stop beating myself up for things that go wrong in my life, and stop sabotaging myself. I made the commitment again, YES AGAIN, to really work hard and get my life back under control.
I have learned that I can fall 500 times, but it's getting back up for the 501st time that is what counts. I have to learn to get rid of the negative people in my life. I have so many wonderful people in my life that support me in ways that some people could not imagine, and that means more to me than you could know.
I am sitting here, at work, looking out the window, and one minute it was pouring down rain, and the next, the sun is trying to come out. My weight loss is kind of like the weather. One minute is so on track, like the sun shining, and the next could be like a bad rainy day, blowing it 100%.
I have to remind myself that, that will happen some days, and I am not going to beat myself up, I'm going to stop, pray really hard, and ask God to continue to take this walk with me, because clearly I can not do this myself! I am not perfect, I have to stop trying to be perfect, and have to stop expecting other people to be perfect, because I am continuously disappointed by that, and that is why I have failed relationships, failed diets, failed lifestyle changes, failed lots of things, but as long as I notice that I have looked in all the wrong places, and start to get on the right track, I think I will be ok. Actually I KNOW I will be ok!
I usually only write once a day on my blog, but I had all this in my head and needed to get it out. So I will write more later this evening and let you know how my food is going.
I did really well with my food today. I had coffee this morning, and an orange and piece of string cheese. Then for lunch, I had a salad, with lettuce, apples, pecans, cheese, and craisins, I then topped it with Pomegranite vinegarette. It was so good. Then I had some chicken salad that was left over from dinner last night. That was really good. It was just chicken breast with mayo. I am still full from lunch, so I'm not having anything else right now.
I'm so tired. I think I'm just going to relax and watch some tv.
Hope you all have a great night!
Godspeed!
Jenn
Monday, September 17, 2012
You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water.
~~~Rabindranath Tagore~~~
I hate when I type up an entire blog, and have saved it, but then I hit some wrong button & it wipes out my entire blog & saves it blank! UGGG That is so frustrating.. I do that more often than I would like to admit.
Let's get on to today's challenges. It was a pretty good day. I started my day off with a strawberry protein shake instead of coffee. Which was actually almost a huge mess up, I accidentally poured the peach flavoring into the shake mix, but I was able to to spoon it out, and then put the strawberry in! I ABSOLUTELY HATE PEACH FLAVORING!!! UGH! That is one fruit that I Gag at the smell of it.
Then for lunch I had an apple pecan salad from Wendy's with pomagranite dressing & a little ranch dressing mixed. It was delicious! For dinner, I didn't eat a whole lot, had boiled some chicken and then cut it up and put some mayo in it & made some chicken salad. Had not quite one piece of chicken from it. I was not really as hungry as I thought.
Lexi & I went to Walmart after I got off from work, and got some apples, lettuce, pecans & oranges & the pomegranate dressing, and a few other things.
I also bought 2 kinds of protein bars. Strawberry yogurt and chocolate peanut butter. The chocolate peanut butter has a small amount of wheat germ in it, but it's way down on the list, so it's ok to eat it. If it was ingredient 1 or 2, I would not have it, but since it's like the 6th ingredient it is ok to eat it, besides it curbs my appetite like nobodies business.
So, I got several emails last night about my blog, and I have to tell you, that I absolutely love that everyone feels what I read, and sees between things, and through things and sees things maybe I can't see about myself. I LOVE the feedback. I have to say one of my friends, emailed me asking me where was my relationship with God during all these ups & Downs? And does that reflect my journey. She said all of these amazing things that as I read her emails, I cried my heart out, not because she hurt my feelings, but because she saw something deep within me, that I was almost torturing myself, trying to expect things from a man, or Lexi or from dieting on my own. So, I have decided, that I really need to put God back in the Middle of my life! As I type that, I think of the bible study I edited for my author friend, and then I Lead the bible study last summer, with my Mom & my friend Margie who passed away of leukemia in December. And I woke up today, with God in my heart, thanking him for everything he was going to put before me, and I asked him to please be there with me on this journey because I can't do it by myself! I have to remember when I am at my toughest trials the one & only person who can be there for me is GOD himself. Man, will always disappoint me because that's what we are, not perfect people with lots of flaws but God loves me anyway and he will always be there for me, I just need to remember that!
I survived day one with great success, now I am going to kick back, watch the VOICE & then head to bed early.
Hope you all have an amazing evening.
GODSPEED!
Jenn
~~~Rabindranath Tagore~~~
I hate when I type up an entire blog, and have saved it, but then I hit some wrong button & it wipes out my entire blog & saves it blank! UGGG That is so frustrating.. I do that more often than I would like to admit.
Let's get on to today's challenges. It was a pretty good day. I started my day off with a strawberry protein shake instead of coffee. Which was actually almost a huge mess up, I accidentally poured the peach flavoring into the shake mix, but I was able to to spoon it out, and then put the strawberry in! I ABSOLUTELY HATE PEACH FLAVORING!!! UGH! That is one fruit that I Gag at the smell of it.
Then for lunch I had an apple pecan salad from Wendy's with pomagranite dressing & a little ranch dressing mixed. It was delicious! For dinner, I didn't eat a whole lot, had boiled some chicken and then cut it up and put some mayo in it & made some chicken salad. Had not quite one piece of chicken from it. I was not really as hungry as I thought.
Lexi & I went to Walmart after I got off from work, and got some apples, lettuce, pecans & oranges & the pomegranate dressing, and a few other things.
I also bought 2 kinds of protein bars. Strawberry yogurt and chocolate peanut butter. The chocolate peanut butter has a small amount of wheat germ in it, but it's way down on the list, so it's ok to eat it. If it was ingredient 1 or 2, I would not have it, but since it's like the 6th ingredient it is ok to eat it, besides it curbs my appetite like nobodies business.
So, I got several emails last night about my blog, and I have to tell you, that I absolutely love that everyone feels what I read, and sees between things, and through things and sees things maybe I can't see about myself. I LOVE the feedback. I have to say one of my friends, emailed me asking me where was my relationship with God during all these ups & Downs? And does that reflect my journey. She said all of these amazing things that as I read her emails, I cried my heart out, not because she hurt my feelings, but because she saw something deep within me, that I was almost torturing myself, trying to expect things from a man, or Lexi or from dieting on my own. So, I have decided, that I really need to put God back in the Middle of my life! As I type that, I think of the bible study I edited for my author friend, and then I Lead the bible study last summer, with my Mom & my friend Margie who passed away of leukemia in December. And I woke up today, with God in my heart, thanking him for everything he was going to put before me, and I asked him to please be there with me on this journey because I can't do it by myself! I have to remember when I am at my toughest trials the one & only person who can be there for me is GOD himself. Man, will always disappoint me because that's what we are, not perfect people with lots of flaws but God loves me anyway and he will always be there for me, I just need to remember that!
I survived day one with great success, now I am going to kick back, watch the VOICE & then head to bed early.
Hope you all have an amazing evening.
GODSPEED!
Jenn
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Love means to commit yourself without guarantee..~~~~Anne Campbell
I am going to attempt this Lifestyle Change yet again, because eventually, I'll get it right, and stay on it, and get to where I want to be!
Well life has been crazy the last few months. Not just crazy busy, but CRAZY all around.
I have not been good with my lifestyle change and I know I have put some weight back on. Uggg I am such a sabotager. (is that even a word?) When people give me too many compliments I shut myself down & Sabotage myself.... WHY??? WHY do I do this? It frustrates the hell out of me. But I do it, because that is who I am! The one thing I need to tackle & it scares the hell out of me to succeed at this one thing.. Why? Because I guess then I have no excuse for having my life not be a mess?? I don't know..
I have made such a mess of my life. I'm sure it's really not that bad, actually, I know in my heart it's not that bad, but today, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
I always fall in love with the wrong person... Or at least they may not be wrong, but the timing may be wrong... I don't know what it is.
I am just so unhappy lately.. I get up in the morning, wake Lexi so she gets up for school, go back to sleep for an hour, get up, get a shower & get ready for work, then go to work, put on a big ole' happy face & make everyone think my life is pretty awesome, then I come home, make dinner, spend time with Lexi & Susan if she's here. Then go to sleep and start all over again. I feel like I have no motivation to do much else. Raising a child is the most rewarding thing in the world but man, raising a teenage girl can be so hard some days. Some days she loves me & I'm cool, other days she hates my guts & I am uncool! UGHHH it's so hard not to take it personal. I know I shouldn't, I just know in my heart I shouldn't but it is truly hard, so when she is at a hating me stage, I take it so personal and shut down. It's hard to care about much especially myself!
So, I have decided that here I go again, I'm going to attempt to write my blog, and get back on this lifestyle change, I so want to make and stay on this course and get to where I will feel so much better about myself.
I guess I"m having a pity party on myself because I was going through old pic's today. REALLY OLD pic's. It was of when Lexi was just getting ready to start kindergarten & I had lost so much weight on LA Weight loss and felt great about myself & I met a great guy at the time, that I ended up with for 7 years! Ok, he turned out not to be so great, but when we first started dating, I was so happy, not because of him, because I had been happy before I even met him. Then of course over the 7 years of an on & off relationship, I gained over 75lbs and felt crappy about myself, and then I connected with someone from my past, who has been in my life for over 3 years. And well, I thought I would end up marrying him, and that he was the love of my life.... and well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love him anymore, because I do with all my heart. But I have not contacted him in a week, because I am just so in a funk, he gets very introverted when he has too much going on, and shuts down, and I am so not like that. He shuts everyone out. Me, I wear my heart on my sleeve. What can I say? In the midst of having a long relationship with him, I was interested in someone else who let's just say was so not good for me. And all the stress & guilt I have put on myself has caused me to have this downward spiral effect on my own life... I look at myself in the mirror & think... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Wow, yes, I do look at myself in the mirror more now, but it's still tough some days. I make such stupid mistakes, I do things that I know are against my better judgement. Nothing illegal or anything, just stupid decisions on men, mainly! So, because I started getting so much attention I sabotaged myself.. REALLY SABOTAGED MYSELF. And well, here I am, going to start at square one again, thank God I have not gained all my weight back, but I gain a few, then lose a few, then gain a few, and then lose a few, but I was doing great & losing almost 4 lbs a week.
I am not going to look at any of ,my past lost this year, I'm starting over tomorrow. I will weigh myself first thing in the morning, and will weigh myself every other Monday. I will keep you all posted on how I am doing, and I will try to post every day! When I write on here every day I find I make myself accountable and stay on track!
So, here I go again....... On this crazy thing called Lifestyle Change... Please feel free to encourage me, and give me recipes! I NEED LOTS OF LOW CARB, Low Fat recipes!!! So, I'll be back tomorrow night....
Hope you all have a great evening, and thanks for having the faith in me to come back & read my blog again!
God Speed!
Jenn
I am going to attempt this Lifestyle Change yet again, because eventually, I'll get it right, and stay on it, and get to where I want to be!
Well life has been crazy the last few months. Not just crazy busy, but CRAZY all around.
I have not been good with my lifestyle change and I know I have put some weight back on. Uggg I am such a sabotager. (is that even a word?) When people give me too many compliments I shut myself down & Sabotage myself.... WHY??? WHY do I do this? It frustrates the hell out of me. But I do it, because that is who I am! The one thing I need to tackle & it scares the hell out of me to succeed at this one thing.. Why? Because I guess then I have no excuse for having my life not be a mess?? I don't know..
I have made such a mess of my life. I'm sure it's really not that bad, actually, I know in my heart it's not that bad, but today, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
I always fall in love with the wrong person... Or at least they may not be wrong, but the timing may be wrong... I don't know what it is.
I am just so unhappy lately.. I get up in the morning, wake Lexi so she gets up for school, go back to sleep for an hour, get up, get a shower & get ready for work, then go to work, put on a big ole' happy face & make everyone think my life is pretty awesome, then I come home, make dinner, spend time with Lexi & Susan if she's here. Then go to sleep and start all over again. I feel like I have no motivation to do much else. Raising a child is the most rewarding thing in the world but man, raising a teenage girl can be so hard some days. Some days she loves me & I'm cool, other days she hates my guts & I am uncool! UGHHH it's so hard not to take it personal. I know I shouldn't, I just know in my heart I shouldn't but it is truly hard, so when she is at a hating me stage, I take it so personal and shut down. It's hard to care about much especially myself!
So, I have decided that here I go again, I'm going to attempt to write my blog, and get back on this lifestyle change, I so want to make and stay on this course and get to where I will feel so much better about myself.
I guess I"m having a pity party on myself because I was going through old pic's today. REALLY OLD pic's. It was of when Lexi was just getting ready to start kindergarten & I had lost so much weight on LA Weight loss and felt great about myself & I met a great guy at the time, that I ended up with for 7 years! Ok, he turned out not to be so great, but when we first started dating, I was so happy, not because of him, because I had been happy before I even met him. Then of course over the 7 years of an on & off relationship, I gained over 75lbs and felt crappy about myself, and then I connected with someone from my past, who has been in my life for over 3 years. And well, I thought I would end up marrying him, and that he was the love of my life.... and well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love him anymore, because I do with all my heart. But I have not contacted him in a week, because I am just so in a funk, he gets very introverted when he has too much going on, and shuts down, and I am so not like that. He shuts everyone out. Me, I wear my heart on my sleeve. What can I say? In the midst of having a long relationship with him, I was interested in someone else who let's just say was so not good for me. And all the stress & guilt I have put on myself has caused me to have this downward spiral effect on my own life... I look at myself in the mirror & think... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Wow, yes, I do look at myself in the mirror more now, but it's still tough some days. I make such stupid mistakes, I do things that I know are against my better judgement. Nothing illegal or anything, just stupid decisions on men, mainly! So, because I started getting so much attention I sabotaged myself.. REALLY SABOTAGED MYSELF. And well, here I am, going to start at square one again, thank God I have not gained all my weight back, but I gain a few, then lose a few, then gain a few, and then lose a few, but I was doing great & losing almost 4 lbs a week.
I am not going to look at any of ,my past lost this year, I'm starting over tomorrow. I will weigh myself first thing in the morning, and will weigh myself every other Monday. I will keep you all posted on how I am doing, and I will try to post every day! When I write on here every day I find I make myself accountable and stay on track!
So, here I go again....... On this crazy thing called Lifestyle Change... Please feel free to encourage me, and give me recipes! I NEED LOTS OF LOW CARB, Low Fat recipes!!! So, I'll be back tomorrow night....
Hope you all have a great evening, and thanks for having the faith in me to come back & read my blog again!
God Speed!
Jenn
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