Loving life

Life is like a bicycle,
In order to keep your balance
you must always keep moving...

I have had the best 2 days! Thanksgiving as I posted was awesome! Then today I went with my friend Kristie & we took our friend Michelle's dog to the vet since Michelle & her family are out of town in Phili until Monday. Onyx was really sick, when we first saw her, we thought maybe she had a stroke. But when we took her to the vet, they think it may be something like people get which is called vertigo. It's called something else in dogs. Onyx is 14 years old & what a sweet dog she is. She hates car rides, but sat on a blanket on my lap both ways to & from the vet & she just gave me tons of kisses & curled up in my arms. She got home & the young girl that is taking care of her came out of her house to see Onyx. Onyx was so excited to see her, she started wagging her tail. She took her pill and even ate. I was so glad she was doing so much better. She was like a different dog, it was amazing.

Then tonight my friend Kris came over. I had made pulled pork in the crock pot with pork chops. We had a nice spinach salad too! It was so good.  Lexi & her friend even ended up having some & really enjoyed it. Which is really surprising because Lexi will not eat pork willingly. So I was glad she tried it & loved it.

Then we watched Magic Mike, which I had seen already! It was good to watch it again & Kris had fallen asleep in my chaise chair. She was joking that she always falls asleep in that chair. Whenever she comes over, she always falls asleep in it & NEVER watches the movie that we have rented! LOL It reminded me of when both she & I were unemployed at the same time and I had, had foot surgery and she used to come over & Hang out with me while I Recuperated & she would fall asleep if I feel asleep from my pain meds & she was always in that chair! Kris is one of my closest friends. We can talk about anything, with no judgment. She gets me & I get her. We tell each other things that we would never think of sharing with anyone else. Those types of friends are far & few between & I have only a select few like that. But Kris, she knows my heart. I can share with her my deepest & darkest secrets. I have 2 other friends that I can share such things with too. Like I said just a select few.

I did really well with my food today. Had all 3 meals. Had coffee & a small piece of the butter braid from yesterday for breakfast this morning. Then for lunch, I had a turkey sandwich with some sweet potatoes for lunch. And then a pulled pork sandwich & the spinach salad. We had some nacho's & salsa, but I didn't have a lot. It was just a nice relaxing evening.

Now, I'm heading to bed. I am so tired since I didn't nap today & had slept terrible last night.
Larry Hagman who played JR Ewing on the tv show Dallas died today. So sad, he was a great actor. He was the guy you loved to hate! He also played on I Dream of Jeanine! God Bless him, he was 81 years old and died of cancer.
He is definitely going to be missed on that show. I kind of like the new Dallas show they have on now. I don't watch it all the time, but I do like it.

Well that's it here. Lexi has a friend sleeping over, they are hanging out upstairs & my house is quiet. Looking forward to hopefully sleeping in. Going to shut the ringer on my new phone & hopefully sleep past 8:30. I'm hoping more like 10. Boy would that be nice. One can only hope.

I never put up my Christmas decorations today. Going to wait until next week. I am going to buy a real tree. This will be a first for Lexi & I. Her Dad & I had a real tree once, but this will be nice. I threw my old tree away last year after Christmas. It was 10 years old and it was time. I am definitely going to decorate more than I did last year because I had my friend Joe & Lexi decorate so I didn't put up more than my tree because the tree was so beautiful, I didn't want to take away from that. But this year it's on!!!! Can't wait!!!

Hope you all are enjoying your weekend & if some of you have gone out shopping, more power to you! I hate the crowds & you will not see me out there on Black Friday or anytime over the weekend after Thanksgiving shopping! HATE IT! It kills the Christmas spirit for me because people are so rude! I remember back in the day when I worked in retail, actually I did for almost 10 years and I hated how people lost the Christmas spirit in the malls during this time.

Thanks for stopping by & I'll be back tomorrow!!!

Godspeed!
Jenn







 

Thanksgiving and all I have to be Thankful for!

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough, and
more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to
order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house
into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today, and creates a
vision for tomorrow.
~Melody Beattie~


What a great Thanksgiving we had. We spent it with my friend/coworker Donna & her family. Her parents were in from New Jersey. They welcomed us like we were family and we had the best time. The food was fantastic, and the company & conversation was just as fantastic.

The holidays are sometimes hard for me. My husband loved the holidays and spending time with his kids and the rest of our families. We alternated and spent time at both our families houses. This year we were not spending it with my parents & siblings. It was going to be very different and kinda weird so we thought. I thought I might feel out of place, since I am all about being with my family on holidays. Then it reminded me, that family is not only about being blood. Yes, Lexi is my family, so where ever she & I spend a holiday we are spending it together, and that's all that matters. But Donna & her family are like family to us, so it was only fitting for us to spend it with them. Her Dad was up at 5:30am making everything for today. Jamie, Donna's husband, made candied yams & OMG, they were awesome!!! I never thought anyone in this world could make them as good as my Mom, but boy did he make them just like hers.

Donna has 2 girls, and one of them is 8 months younger than Lexi, and they had a great time together. That gave Donna & I time to chit chat a bit. But we were with everyone else too, so that was a bit hard. But we had a great time with them.


I did really well with my food today. I did have a small piece of the cream cheese butter braid I made, then had nothing else until we sat down to dinner at 5pm. I had 2 pieces of turkey, some candied yams, corn, broccoli, green beans a biscuit and a glass of wine.
Then for dessert I had an Oreo truffle because Donna's dad Joe, said he wasn't going to try it if I hadn't eaten any. LOL So I had a small one. (an Oreo truffle is oreo's crushed, mixed with cream cheese & dipped in chocolate) then I had a piece of the sweet potato pie I made. I ended up only have a few bites because I was so stuffed from dinner. I left the desserts there but took some left over turkey, candied yams, and half the salad that we forgot to put out until the end of the meal.

Now, I'm relaxing having a glass of wine, and reflecting on what a great day we had. I have so much to be Thankful for. I have some amazing people in my life, and no matter what, they will ALWAYS be there for me, like I am for them! God has really blessed us, and I am so glad today turned out to be a great day!

I stopped by my friend Carrie's too & Got to meet her Sister Anne & her brother in law Pete! I felt like I knew them forever because of how highly Carrie speaks of them!
I had great conversation & Crazy laughter there too!

I'm so blessed and Thankful and especially glad that there was no drama in my day!!

Now, I'm going to head to bed, and enjoy the fact that I have 3 days I can sleep in! YAY!!!
Hope you all had a blessed Thanksgiving too!

Godspeed!

Being Thankful for the roads you have traveled!

People take different roads seeking
fulfillment and happiness.
Just because they're not on your road
doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr

Life can lead us down so many different roads. The roads people take may not be the same as me, but that's ok. I have hit a few bumps in the road in my years on this earth. I have made some really good decisions, and made some really, really bad ones too. Those I would like to forget at times, but then I remind myself that the wrong roads I have walked, have probably taught me the most lessons. They have shaped me into who I am today.

I try so hard to see all the good in people, maybe even try to see good that others may not even be able to see, I still believe that everyone has some good in them.

I'm going to share an experience that has happened in my life recently. I'm not going to mention names because I don't want to ruin his reputation, even though I don't even owe him that. But he taught me some really good lessons and I want to share them.

I reconnected with someone I went to High School with. He was in my grade, and he was in one of my classes. I remember him very well because I had such a crush on him in 11th grade. Who he is, doesn't matter. But face book reconnected us. He & I were trying to remember who friended who, and he was sure, he had friended me. Anyway, our friendship developed on face book, and we became fast friends! One thing about me, is I don't always let people in & trust them, but he, he became a fast friend. We would talk about the old days, people we remembered, what happened to people, who changed and really surprised us by how they had changed for the better! It was fun. We found that we were talking more & more and he was messaging me every time I was online. I so enjoyed our long conversations. We hadn't seen each other since the day we graduated High School, but we talked, laughed and shared so much over the long hours of conversation. I really trusted him, thought he was being honest, and well, I shared some experiences of my life, that very few know about and he was so sympathetic and he really seemed to care. He said all the right things to me too!

Well something happened in my life, and I was going to stay off face book and I sent him my cell # & said Keep in touch, you can text if you want, but if not, that's cool. Immediately, he texted me with his number. The conversations on text were long and we graduated to speaking on the phone, every night, the texts were all the time, good mornings, and just letting me know he was thinking of me, and vise versa.
Anyway, there was a part of me that wanted to believe, that someone from my High School days, could really enter my life and want a future with me. See, a few of my friends have had that experience, and they reconnected with people from school & got their happily ever after.

And mine & his relationship on the phone was going in that direction. We shared so many of the same dreams and wanted the same things from a partner. He shared with me that his wife was ill, and that he was separated. Then he sprung on me how sick he was. I didn't let that stop me from speaking with him. He knew all the medical terms, I never doubted him at all. I work in the medical field and I knew so many of those terms, there was no way he could make this stuff up.

Well, guess what,  after weeks of making me think he was knocking at deaths door, I got a phone call.... You guessed it, from his wife... I had no idea what to think, he told me she was mentally sick, he told me she was not around much for their kids & made me believe in this whole stupid fairytale... Then she & I put 2 & 2 together, and he kept telling me one thing and her another. I even had her listen on one phone while he professed his love for me, even though we had not seen each other in 25+ years, and I asked him, why did you lie, and why did you say that & He insisted that he didn't lie, and she sat there quietly & said nothing, but knew I was not lying about the things he had told me.

I felt like I was in a nightmare... This man, I knew as a kid, and ended up trusting as an adult, had played me, and I mean, in the worst way. Tore my heart right out of my body. This had gone on for months... I don't fall for people over the phone, or the computer, but boy, this was like a world win.. IT was crazy!! It really was, we kept saying how crazy it was that we enjoyed talking so much, hours would go by and we'd feel like we had been on the phone a few minutes. He helped me through a really dark time in my life, and for that I will forever be grateful, and that is probably why I don't hate him. I actually feel bad for him, that he felt he had to lie, and make up this whole fake world because had he been honest, I'd have liked him anyway!

One would be bitter, or angry right? Nope, I'm not, it was a learning experience for me. I no longer speak to him, for obvious reasons. I don't wish any bad to happen to him, I pray for him and hope that someday he will "MAN UP" and admit what he did. He was caught & still continued to lie, not just to me but to his wife too. And he kept insisting to me that she was lying and he kept insisting to her that I was lying, when he was the only one lying.
This experience made me realize that if something sounds too good to be true, it must be too good to be true. I still miss him, and our conversations, even though most of them were lies. I miss the person he made me think he was. I miss the way he made me laugh when he told me the dumbest jokes. I still smile when I think of him and those times of laughter! But I'm so thankful for the experience, because although it was another bump in the road, it made me realize that I am still looking for love and still allowing my heart to be open to let someone love me and be a part of my life. This one was so wrong, and that's ok! This is something out of the twilight zone, lol it really is. I have never been cruel, and felt like he had been so cruel, I even asked him, WHY? HE said that he does love me and does want to be part of my life, but I told him what I wanted and when he was saying he understood & wanted the same thing, I responded with an ok, because I know, he can never & will never be the one who gets my heart! I am a hopeless romantic & believe that someday, the most amazing man will enter my life, and be here to grow old with me. This experience would have hardened any ones heart, but not mine. I'm just a hopeless romantic, what can I say. I'm glad to know that I can still feel, and love even if this was not in the normal way.

 I will definitely be more guarded with my heart, and not do the whole Internet thing and definitely not jump heart first into something. But I'm so thankful for the joy I felt even though it was for a little while, and even though, he made that person up.... I'm glad I found out before I invested so much more time then the few months that I did! Like I said, he helped me through a really dark time in my life, and for that, I will always be grateful, so where ever you are, if you are reading this... THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME, in the only way you knew how, and for finally letting me go, to move on and put you behind me.

I don't even know what my purpose for writing about him was. I guess because I needed to get this "Skeleton" out of my closet. But also, to show that even when you travel a road that you probably shouldn't go down, and you do, doesn't mean it was a wrong road, it just means that it wasn't the best road, but again, there are lessons to be learned on any road you take.

I'm so thankful for the different roads I have traveled, because, yes, they have made me stronger and made me appreciate the true friends that I do have in my life.

Ok, I'm going to end this now. Be Thankful for every road you travel even if the lessons were tough and not what you expected. Use the experience, even if it was not a pleasant one, to teach you to be a stronger person. Don't let the person that hurt you, and tore your heart out, consume you! BE THANKFUL, and Thank GOD that you were able to get out or end that relationship...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Godspeed!!

Life is not about perfection~

Life is not about perfection~
Or a quest for perfection.
Life is about enjoying what we have~
for as long as we have it.
~Jonathan Lockwood Huie~


Funny how no matter what we have in life, or what we look like, we always want something else. I remember being young and seeing the blond girls who had the perfect hair, perfect figure and what seemed like the perfect life. I prayed that God would send me a child someday who was just that perfect. I knew that I lacked something that all these girls had. Life seemed so easy for these girls. So I thought! 
When I grew up and had my daughter,  I got what I wanted. The perfect baby, with strawberry blond hair. She was just beautiful, perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes and the prettiest hazel eyes & that strawberry blond hair that was just like her Daddy too. That little girl with the strawberry peach fuzz hair, turned blond & had these beautiful locks of blond curls by the time she turned 3. She was stunning! I am not just saying this because she is my child. People would stop us EVERYWHERE we went. And I mean EVERYWHERE!!! People would comment about how beautiful & stunning she was! I of course was so proud, she, was not happy with this and didn't like the attention. She looked like the "ALL AMERICAN GIRL" that my friend Matt commented about her looking like when she was about 8 or 9. I was so touched! That was the utmost compliment that anyone could have said.

Well my beautiful girl, doesn't see how beautiful she is! It makes me sad at times! But then I realized, she, just like all the girls that I thought were perfect in Junior High (Now called Middle School) & High School must have felt so pressured to look & be perfect and they weren't! Because although Lexi is perfect to me, she is not perfect. I don't expect her to be perfect, yet, she feels like at times that I expect her to be, so I have had to really work hard on my expectations! Don't get me wrong, I haven't lowered my expectations at all, I just set the bar, high enough for an almost 15 year old to reach! She's not 30.

Boy, has that helped with the stress level not just on her but on myself. I used to try to be the perfect Mom and perfect role model. Let's face it, I AM FAR FROM PERFECT! :) But that's ok! I make mistakes and some of those mistakes have been big ones! I'm learning to be happier by doing the best that I can, but not being perfect. As I expect from Lexi, & I tell her all the time, "Be the best Lexi that you can be." Nothing less, and if you strive higher than what you think you can do, have at it. Perfection, there is no one in this world that is perfect, so I am no longer trying to be perfect and neither should you! Just be the best that you can be!!

Which leads me to my mistakes, my weight... So not going to continue to beat myself up & I have to remind myself of that over & over again. I did really well today with my eating! Not grain free, but portion control. I had a coffee & a protein bar for breakfast. For lunch I had a 6" flat bread grilled chicken teriyaki with lettuce, pickle & black olives and a little lite mayo. I also had a diet soda and sun chips instead of potato chips. Then for dinner I had Lexi's awesome meatloaf with roasted red potatoes! They were awesome! She had never made meatloaf before and it was AMAZING!!! My child can cook! Me, I love to bake, she doesn't! She loves to cook & try & experiment with seasoning & such. It was the best meatloaf I have ever had! I love when she cooks for me! I told her what ingredients to add because I had gotten a recipe off recipes.com but I didn't have measurements. I told her to just do it to her senses because she flavors things to her senses and not her tasting them. OMG, still shocked at how awesome it was.

Tonight, I had a bottle of wild grape Smirnoff Ice. And that is all I'm having today! I think that was enough and it was all measured out. I have meatloaf & potatoes that I can have for lunch at work tomorrow.

Well remember, Perfection is not attainable, there is no one in this world who is perfect! Be who you are & embrace who you are, as you are, and if you feel like you need to change something about yourself. Have patience and remember it will take time. You may stumble & fall but pick yourself up & keep on going because someday you will get to where you want to be as long as you don't quit! For me, QUITTING IS NOT AN OPTION!!!!

Have a great night!
GodSpeed....

Don't fear judgment....

 I don't fear your judgment because I know who I am and what I believe to be true for me..

If you want to improve your love life, improve how you love yourself. If you don't love yourself enough, you'll find ways not to find love. The love you have for yourself is in a way the only love you have in your life because all the other love is a mirror of it....(Prince Harming Syndrome) By Karen Salmansohn

Oh today is Monday! Why is it that no matter how many work days we have in a week especially if there is a holiday, Monday's are the worst? I'm so glad I only have to work 3 days this week! 1 down, 2 to go! Looking forward to a nice Thanksgiving with my friend Donna & her family. Something different for Lexi & I. We usually spend it with family, but this time, we decided to do something different. I am making sweet potato pie and Oreo truffles. I always make the desserts because I love watching people enjoy them, and I don't have to eat them. I may taste the sweet potato pie, but I don't eat the Oreo truffles anymore. Lexi & I decided that we are going to start some new traditions for ourselves as the New Year approaches. You will learn more about them, as the new year comes & starts to get going. Some really exciting changes are coming.

 

Well today was day 1 of my dieting, or should I say my lifestyle change. When I say dieting, it makes it so hard to stick to it. I had a cup of coffee for breakfast, because I can't eat before I leave for work. Then I had a protein bar mid morning. Lunch was really bad, I had a mini bag of crunchy cheese doodles, yes, I know, but then for afternoon snack I had Zone protein bar. For dinner I had a serving of rice, and a serving of grilled chicken with some sweet & sour sauce on the chicken. I decided that I was going to work into the no grain food because I need to get my portions back on track & measured. And let's face it, going from not watching what I was eating to no grain is more of a challenge. So, I really need to work on really cutting down & cutting back on things & if I want to eat something, I will have to work out a little harder.

 

I am not going to beat myself up over the cheese doodles. Not so bad for my first day. I know I need to put fuel in my body in the morning & that will come over the next few days. I am a meal skipper which is half my problem. If I could train myself to eat 3 meals a day I'd be so much better off. I think tomorrow I"ll make a few hard boiled eggs to have in the morning, then have some steamed veggies for lunch. I have to plan my meals during the day because if I don't, I'll never eat.

 

So, I posted 2 quotes at the top of my page. I always try to put at least one, but today, the 2nd one popped out at me of face book, so I decided to add it to this because I Struggle with loving myself. I can love other people, but loving myself has always been so hard! I mean, I Love myself, but we are our own worst critics so I guess I think at times that I don't love myself like I should. A big part of that is because what "I" see in the mirror. I have been told that I don't see what other's see and I Honestly don't. I think that is why I am so hard on myself.  Also, why I ended up looking for love in all the wrong places, and settling on relationships that are not good for me. I guess while I am working on my head with my counselor, I'll be focusing more on getting myself healthier too. I know I can do this!!

 

I was watching something on tv about Eric Chopin one of the former Biggest Loser winners from back in 2006, and it was a whole documentary of how he had gained quite a bit of his weight back, and being disappointed in himself. He then went to my friend Eddie's boxing gym, The Long Island Boxing Gym. It was great to see Eddie really supporting him & being proud of Eric for coming to the gym again. Eric didn't go every day but he was trying to get back on track. I don't know when that was filmed, I'm thinking quite a while ago. But it made me realize that the quick fix Eric had on the Biggest Loser, didn't permanently fix what was going on in his head, which is why he didn't keep it off. I give him a lot of credit for doing the documentary. That had to be hard. Listening to his wife was so sweet because she loves him "NO MATTER WHAT" and that showed through the show. She was concerned that people would judge Eric & say bad things about him, and she knew there would be people who supported him and understood. I'm one of those people. I so get what he is going through! So may people judge others, I think we all do it. I try really hard not too, and my close inner circle, I don't judge but it's hard not to judge others at times. Although I try hard not too. I'm still guilty of it and I know people judge me without even knowing me. I think if I was thinner I would not be judged as harshly because that's the world we live in. People don't take my illnesses into account for some of my struggles. My bipolar 2, which is stress triggered, most times it's kept a bay, but there are times it's not because of the stress that is going on in my life. I also have hypo-thyroid and that in itself is so hard to control. When my thyroid is off, my weight doesn't come off, and that happens every few months and I get really tired, & discouraged and then the weight resurfaces, but I am really, really going to keep on fighting!!!

 

 But let's face it, so many of us, who struggle with weight loss, start and do great, and when we get to a major goal, we tend to do something to sabotage ourselves. Not just the regular people, but many famous people. Look at Oprah, Carnie Wilson, so many others. It's a hard battle, but I'm going to keep fighting & if I fall, I will get back up & keep on fighting, keep on trying. Because I don't quit. And one of these days, I will succeed!!!

 

Well, it's been a long long day. Tomorrow's another day!
Hope ya'll have a great night!

 

GodSpeed!

Grace has been defined as the outward expression
of the inward harmony of the soul.
~William Hazlitt

I am up early on a Saturday and dreading going to the Dr's this morning. Ugh, the dreaded scale. I have not been to the Dr's in months other than for my Mammogram. And well, that wasn't the Dr's that was just radiologist. I need to transfer my records to my friends office, but because I needed to have all kinds of blood work & was out of meds, I had to go to where my friend used to work so that I could get all my meds. I hate going to a new Dr. The one I trust Stephenie, is not close, but I will transfer to her because I trust her more than any other Dr I have ever seen. Hate that I couldn't just go see her first. But my next appt, will be to see her..
I will not post this until I update it after my appt. But I am committing before I go that I will quit smoking and drinking as of Monday. I know I have gained some of my weight back. Probably at least 20 of the 45 lbs I lost.. I have no one else to blame but myself. This is a struggle for me. UGH..... I have got to get it together. I would like to lose 40 lbs by April. At least 40 lbs & I know I Can do it and it will be back on the NO GRAINS & starting back on my shakes too! I felt so much better when I was eating healthy. Let's face it, eating healthy is not always cheap either. But I did it before & I will do it again. Gotta get my head back in the game.. FOCUS.....FOCUS.....FOCUS......

I need to shower & get ready, but I will do anything to procrastinate. Do you find that when things are going well & you are doing great, then something happens and you sabotage yourself? I know that is so how I am. I need to remember to stop the sugar because that is a huge trigger for me. Other than sugar & creamer in my coffee there will be NO MORE SUGAR!!! I felt so much better, my skin was better, and I was so much happier....

I have let life and the tough times convince myself that I don't deserve to be happy! WRONG!!! I do deserve to be happy and letting those tough times, and the people who, have hurt me, well when I sabotage myself those people control me without even trying, without even knowing they are.

I have recently had my heart broken. Stupidity on my part and trusting someone who I believed would never hurt me, and well, yea, he hurt me. I don't get why people have to lie? Why not just tell the truth? I guess because I do, and I wear my heart on my sleeve is why I think others would too. And he said, I like you, then I really like you, then I'm falling for you, then falling hard for you, then I am falling in love with you, then I have fallen in love with you. Then those 3 words.... I LOVE YOU.... Not words that come out of my mouth so easily either... I wanted to believe that all those hours talking and getting to know each other without the physical part thrown in, that could we have actually fallen in love with each other after all these years? YUP, I  truly believed we were falling for each other. WOW, how old am I? To think that guys don't play games even at 44. Was I ever wrong.

I know what you're thinking, how do you fall in love over the phone.. I guess sharing so much and letting someone in to your heart when you are vulnerable because you just came out of another relationship, that well, yea, this guy, really does, we really do. I think we really cared for each other & I feel for the guy "HE PRETENDED TO BE". That's hard. A friend told me that I am always shocked when I get hurt because I knowingly fall for the wrong people. He was right. I am trying to fill something in my heart that is missing and well, lately I found out what that was. It wasn't a person, it was something within... Over time, I will share with you what that is, right now, I am not ready to share it. It's nothing major, nothing life altering. I am just looking for that fantasy and well, when that fantasy is presented to me, well I fall & fall hard! I always have to remember, if it seems to good to be true, odds are, it is too good to be true..

Well it's time I got myself ready for my Dr's appt. I will be back later!

So, it was bad, but not as bad as I thought! I did gain some weight. 22 lbs of the almost 50 I lost. But I'm still ahead of where I was on January 1. So as hard as I'm being on myself, I have to use that to focus and get back on track. Instead of starting Monday, I'm starting tomorrow. I will finish my wine tonight, and that's it, no more wine but occasionally because I know that is where my calories & sugar are coming from. I'm also going to quit smoking tomorrow and then get my food on track and I will be back on top in no time. I feel like crap, but complaining about it isn't going to get it off. Only working out & working on it. So here goes.... the saga will continue.

I know that when I have a relationship that goes bad, or stress in my life gets crazy, I turn to food. And I use having a glass or 2 of wine at night to go to sleep as an excuse to shut my brain down. I have to go to healthier things. Going for long walks, working out, and just moving.. oh & eating healthier too. But I've been so depressed over life that when I come home from work I eat, then I lay around & have a glass of wine or 2. And it's usually late by the time dinner is on the table. Any time after 7-7:30. So I will be preparing my meals ahead of time as best as I can, & ask Lexi to help put it on before I get home.

Ugh, I have used so many excuses to WHY? Let's face it, I can make so many excuses as to WHY? but they won't matter if I don't do anything to fix it. So fixing it in the first step. One step at a time!!
It is gorgeous out there so I am going to get to stepping and get some work done around my house and outside.

Hope you all enjoy this beautiful day!
GodSpeed!

Trust your own inner guidance.
Have faith that your steps are
carrying you toward your dreams.
Keep your eyes on the heavens
and believe that your feet will carry you
well..
Jonathan Lockwood Huie


I took a night off from writing and I felt so guilty. I was so tired last night that all I wanted to do was get into bed. Things are going well. Lexi & I are completing day 25 without fighting.
I know some of you are probably wondering why we are counting the days, but we really are. We used to fight like sisters. We don't have the typical mother daughter relationship. I have always allowed Lexi to help make a lot of the decisions I was making, like looking at apartments & choosing where we were going to live. I of course had the final say, but I wanted to teach her, that her opinions counted. She helped chose our townhouse too. I have always, always wanted her to feel that her opinion was really important to me. The funny thing is, while I was allowing her to have her own opinion, if it didn't match mine, I would get frustrated & we'd fight. Like Sisters!!! But I am her mother, I after so long of having the "sister" relationship, without even realizing it, I had to reclaim the "MOM" Role. It's been hard. It's been heartbreaking, it's honestly not been as hard as I thought it would be! We are learning to walk away when we're frustrated with each other. That would not have happened a month ago, we'd have stood there & fought because we both want the last word, and when you have 2 people who are so stubborn & want the last word, well the fights would last a long time!

I'm so grateful that being in counseling has really helped us get to a better place & we are really respecting each other so much more. I no longer feel like I "NEED" to know everything. If she wants to tell me, she will when she's ready. I will say, the hardest thing is not wanting her to make some of the mistakes I have made. But I think by giving her some room to make them, she is actually making better choices. Weird right? It's called TRUST!! Oh that word is so hard for me. We've had some issues that have caused me not to trust. But I made a choice to start over, and give her a redo, and wiped the slate clean & move forward. So, she is definitely making better choices because I am giving her the opportunity to choose on her own. Wow, how easy this is? It really is... why didn't someone tell me to try it this way before?

Fighting was a constant in our household, and now quiet and laughing and speaking softly and walking away when we are annoyed, all of those things, have made for a home that I love to come home to EVERY NIGHT after work!

Don't get me wrong, we have "stuff" life is busy and gets crazy but we are rebuilding our relationship and it is a great relationship that I thank God for every day! That I am so grateful to have had the chance to fix and rebuild and polish and fine tune our relationship to make it the best Mother & daughter relationship that we can make it be! Because it's important to both of us.

Don't make your relationship with your teenager be harder than it has to be. Respect should not be expected, because if you are not teaching respect, how can they respect you? It's not a "Do as I say & not as I do" kind of world. Walk the walk & Talk the talk! Show your child respect and they will respect you so much more. They are people too and have feelings just like we adults do!

Ok, I'm going to bed now!
Hope ya'll have a great evening!

Godspeed!!

“Take control of your destiny. Believe in yourself. Ignore those who try to discourage you. Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits. Don’t give up and don’t give in.” — Wanda Hope Carter

 

I was hoping today would have been an easy day for me, but it wasn't. Work was so busy! I got caught up on stuff since I had the day off yesterday, and I even got to start my audit project started. THANK YOU GOD!!! For making it easier than I thought it would be!
I got a long over due phone call from someone today. I was really hesitant about calling back because I honestly didn't want to be hurt anymore than I already am. The conversation went really well and I am glad we were able to talk and clear the air & say all we really needed to say & what was on our hearts. That was so healing for me today. I think time will help heal & make us have a better relationship/friendship. It's nice to know she was not judging me though. That was what was so hurtful to me, thinking this person was judging me. Thank you for not judging me.

Every day life gets a little better to deal with some of the hurts that have happened in the last 6 weeks. I am only worrying about me & Lexi. Not worrying about what anyone else things or says or feels. That's there own stuff. Someone once said, "How much do they pay you to rent the space in your brain?" And well, since the few people that have walked away, don't pay me a red cent, they no longer take any space in my brain or my heart.

Got some good things happening in the next few weeks. Going to spend Thanksgiving with one of my really good friends & her family & her parents who will be in from Jersey. So looking forward to it. I'm going to make Oreo  truffles & a sweet potato pie from scratch. I have not made a sweet potato pie in years. I hope it comes out good. YUM!!! I love sweet potatoes.

Well I guess tonight is going to be another short post. Life is good in our household. 23 days of no fighting & a nice & peaceful house every night! Lexi is working so hard on communicating. It really is nice, I'm working hard too, we're going to go out & Celebrate at the end of the month. Dinner at Daniels and Italian Restaurant and then Twilight, I'm so excited.. So is Lexi.

I hope everyone has a great night!
Godspeed!

 

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves
to recognize how good things really are.
~Marianne Williamson


 I had decided to take the day off and spend it with Lexi since she had the day off for Veteran's Day. Thank you to all our Veterans who have served, are serving and all those who have given up their lives to fight for our freedom.
 We actually had a really nice day. I made a strawberry & cream cheese butter braid for breakfast, and we watched some tv and then we played some games, she kicked my butt once in the board game Sorry, and I kicked hers in the 2nd game. Then we played a game of Monopoly and stopped after a few hours, then went back to it then stopped again. So we will continue playing it tomorrow after dinner.

Last night was so funny. I was so tired and she had asked me several times to do different things for her, and one was to go upstairs and get her a band aid while she was washing up the pots from dinner. Needless to day I was tired.  and cranky & I snapped at her and stormed upstairs. No, actually I Stomped up the stairs. I got to the top of the stairs & Started to laugh, then got her the bandaids and tossed them to her & we both burst out laughing. She said "Ok Mom, How old are you?" I laughed so hard, we just laughed over it because I had warned her that I was tired & Starting to get cranky. So when she asked me to do something else for her, I was spent & didn't really want to do it! I was so glad we were able to just laugh it off, because there really was no reason for me to behave like that, but see, I'm human & NOT PERFECT!

I of course apologized and then apologized again this morning because even though it wasn't a fight, I had a moment of infantile behavior! LOL
Things have been so crazy in our lives for the last few months, they finally have started calming down. We are talking about doing some really fun things to celebrate the days of not fighting, and we're going to go see the new Twilight movie and go out for a nice dinner, as a way to celebrate the hard work we have both put forth.

Tomorrow, I go back to work, I miss being a stay at home mom, but I love my job so much. It tears me up some days. But the money is good & I just love my patients, and it helps me support Lexi of course. I used to love being a stay at home Mom, and at times, think about what life would be like if I had never gone back to work and just stayed home. I know, we wouldn't have a nice car, we wouldn't have the house I had built. We have so much, We look around and think & even talk about how we have so much stuff. And we really do.
We also wouldn't have a majority of the friends we have today had I not worked. And we have so many amazing people in our lives. My friends are like family to us.

Well tonight is going to be a short post. We had the best day. And even though we had the hiccup last night, we laughed about it.

Have a great night!
GodSpeed!

Smile.
Today would be a wonderful day not to take life so seriously.
Today may end up the way you prefer~
and it may not.
Happiness is not about being a winner~
it's about being gentle with life~
being gentle with yourself.
Let life be a dance,
and choose the kind of dance you want for today~
perhaps a gentle loving dance.
~Jonathan  Lockwood Huie


Well I have gotten so many supportive comments about my post yesterday and I appreciate it more than any of you could ever know.
I truly do not blame anyone for the decisions & mistakes I have made. My point for writing & sharing yesterday was to reach out to other parents of teenagers that have or still are going through some tough times with their teens. It's my way of sharing & saying, "It really will get better!"
I think I may have offended a few, because someone unfriended me & another blocked me. Kind of funny that face book really brings out the infantile behavior it does.  It actually is so shocking to me because honestly, my purpose for my posts or my blog is not to hurt anyone elses feelings. It's to share mine and while I will not point fingers & name people in my blog that would damage their reputation or their name, I guess if the Truth hurts, you have to chose to behave like that. But whatever... Do as you wish. I guess hearing that I am NOT owning the things that were said to me, about me, and that I Have chosen to forgive and move on, struck a nerve?? Maybe the fact that I didn't lie, and they may know it now, well... too bad, the damage is done and I already told them that our relationship was or would be destroyed when the truth came out. They claimed then that they knew the truth and it really wasn't the truth. I guess since their truth wasn't the actual truth that made it hard for them to read? I don't know, I'm not in their head, and don't know them as well as I thought I had... It really is OK! I mean it! Lexi & I have moved forward and since we know the truth, know what the actual facts are about the entire situation, you chose to place blame. IF that makes some feel better because their distorted version makes them look at themselves in the mirror easier, that's ok. I get it.. If you chose to believe someone else, who has ALWAYS Blamed everyone else for the things in her life that have gone wrong & NEVER taken responsibility for the mistakes she's made, HAVE AT IT!!!
Their version is distorted and not the true facts, and I even confirmed that!!!
All I know, is I am tired of people judging me and trying to dictate to me how I should be a parent. Seriously until you actually walk in my shoes, and live in my house every day now, your judgement of me, doesn't matter at all. I have moved on. I am here to share and this is MY BLOG! You don't like it, Don't read it, you don't want to know the truth DON'T READ THIS!!! END OF STORY! Let it go, let Lexi & I live our lives and be happy with NO JUDGEMENT FROM YOU and the others...
Sometimes, people deal with things in a way I wouldn't, and that's ok, it's whatever works for you. Always easier to place blame because really, how could things happen if we don't place blame on the wrong people??
Like I said yesterday, I am not a perfect person and I am truly working harder than I ever have in my life to heal myself and make me a better person. What a shame that people who have always claimed to care, could truly care less about the truth. It's really ok!
Ok, now on to some other great things.
Day 21 and counting with a quiet household & NO Fighting! HUGE!!!! In our house. My housemate who is the closest to us and sees what goes on in our house, knows the truth and ALWAYS has my back! Susan is an amazing friend and has become a sister to me. She has helped me through some really tough times, we have laughed and cried together, and boy have we laughed and cried a lot lately! Well I have done the crying lately, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I have such a soft heart when it comes to people I care about, and she has listened to me for endless hours... and I will always b e truly grateful to her! She has no idea how much her love & friendship means to me. That it is unconditional. Let's face it, I'm not always the easiest to live with. In the past, I was pretty hard to live with. I hated living with myself at times. Kind of ironic in a funny kind of way. I had so much "STUFF" from my past that I kept thinking I dealt with, and really I had only dealt with the surface. NOW I have an awesome counselor who calls me out on EVERYTHING! Amanda is awesome!!! She will not let me get away with anything. But what I like about her, is that I go in there & say, Ok, I need to get this off my chest, and there is nothing you could say that would make me feel any differently or any worse than what I have done to myself in the past. And being honest is 100% part of the reason why I am able to let go of certain people and move on. She picks apart every part of what I say and makes me answer well "WHY, did you react that way before?"  And what makes you react differently now?
Finding someone who is that way and who after years of having been in & out of counseling, she has been by far the best person I have ever spoken with and who has helped me help myself & it's a continued daily process. She so gets me, my thinking and although doesn't always agree on things, she tells me why, and truly makes me see it from someone elses point of view, which I honestly wasn't that willing to deal with before.
She is why Lexi & I are making such great strides in our relationship & having a healthy relationship. Lexi's counselor is perfect for her, soft and kind hearted and really gets Lexi. Amanda, gets me & gives it to me. NOT Many people want a counselor like that, but me, I need someone like that!

So, I allowed Lexi to go to her first big party last night. I was a little conflicted because of some choices in friends she has made in the past, and I needed to give her a little and let her show me that she really is trying to keep GOD in the center of her life, and she is showing me every day how much she is trying to stay on track with her life.. Teenagers do stupid things, (to us anyway, not stupid to them) but I'm so proud of the recent changes she has made in her life. Being a teenager in today's world is so hard. And let's face it, being a parent in today's world is hard. I remember my Mom and many other parents who raised kids in my generation say "I'm so glad I'm not raising children today with all the technology that is out there today!" I'm hear to tell you it's hard. They have access & know how to access so much more than we do. I am on face book, not on twitter like so many of my friends. I used to be on MySpace & swore I'd never get on face book! LOL I haven't accessed MySpace in forever, a few years at least. But twitter, I wouldn't even know how to get to it. Then there's tumbler and a few other sites. Instagram too! What is that? I don't know how to even get on to that! So, I guess that is where I have lost some control as a parent, because when I tried to take the phone away, I had no idea, that from an even disconnected iPhone that she could access all her social media sites if she could connect to a wifi! Did you know that? Cause I was shocked when I found that out! Oh boy, and did that cause some trouble in our lives. I swore she couldn't access it, and she was.... When I found that out, boy oh boy was I mad!!!
Now I'm on to it, and have many people watching out for me, because I still can't figure out how to access it. Besides I have a windows phone that doesn't let me access so much of that stuff & I can't get the apps on my phone.
These were all learning processes for me. Ugh talk about feeling foolish & feeling like a complete idiot. But today, I'm trusting that there is more honesty going on, than deceit.
Well I'm rambling again, I guess I needed to share some experiences that made me look & feel foolish. Have you felt like I have at times? I thought, there is nothing my child could do that I Haven't already done or experienced, but she has so much access to social media and other things that I just don't get...
I am hear to tell you, YUP, it's harder than hell to raise children in today's world! But we'll make it our parents did. After all, so did each generation before. But we have to remember to stay tough and Love our children unconditionally..

GodSpeed!!!

One Day At A Time

Happiness is not the absence of problems,
but the willingness to deal with them joyfully.
~ Jonathan Lockwood Huie



It has been quite some time since I have written on here & so many things have happened in my life... Where do I start.
Well this Lifestyle Change is going to take a different direction in my writing. It will be about my dieting & food sometimes, but for me, this is my place to come & just dump some of my feelings out, and share with other parents, other people in general who may be experiencing some of the same things, and hopefully you will not feel so alone...

I am constantly reminded that I need to take life One Day At A Time.  I realized that I was living my life, the way others expected me to live, or maybe the way they wanted me to live and with doing that, I really was starting to lose myself. And with losing myself, I started to sabotage myself yet again with my dieting.

Someone recently said to me (and I am not quoting it because I honestly don't remember EXACTLY what they said) but their words hurt me more than they could ever know. I know they may think their words were just, and they are entitled to their opinions. However, I am NOT owning them. It is their opinions. This person said that I was F'd up & pretty much a horrible Mother and that my life and that of my daughters was out of control. I decided at that moment, that I was not going to own what they said. They are entitled to their feelings and who am I to try to change that. What that person doesn't realize is that, my life is mine, and I am a damn good mother. I am absolutely not perfect but their words will NOT destroy me. (What parent today doesn't feel like their life & the life of their teenager is out of control, even if it's for just a little while) Anyway, It is their loss that they have chosen to be out of my life. They are the ones who have chosen to not have anything to do with my daughter & I.
I feel sad for them. Lexi is an amazing young lady and she makes mistakes, but she is my daughter, and if they don't want to be part of my life, they sure as heck don't get to be part of her life. I let her know that she can have contact with them. But she is so hurt that people would judge me for something I didn't even do, but they think I did, and well I know this really doesn't make sense but What a shame that people you thought would always be there for you & with you, and they turn their backs on you. Life does go on. I'll explain it with an article I was recently asked to write. Then this rambling will actually make sense. One thing I am teaching Lexi is what TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE REALLY IS....

Had anyone told me 10 years ago that my family would be experiencing what many families experience with their teens. I would have bet my life, “NOT MY CHILD” I raised her better than that!  Well I’m here to tell you “YES MY CHILD!”

          I raised her to be a strong independent, young woman. She’s got so much going for her. Why? How? When did this happen? I have always had an open relationship with her. She could tell me ANYTHING! And I mean ANYTHING! We have a core foundation built around God, at the center, she loves church, loves to do so much.

          It began a while ago, small slight changes in her appearance, her weight, her hair color, and then the once popular kid that everyone wanted to be around had hardly any friends anymore, she was alone most of the time, and had become very withdrawn. There were so many signs, and she kept insisting it was everyone else that had changed. Not her!

          We have experienced some great losses of relationships  through these really tough times, but those that love us are still here.

          I kept blaming myself as did many others until I realized one day that for all the bad things that were happening there were still so many great things happening in our family. If I didn’t get on my knees  and truly “GIVE IT TO GOD” and forgive not just myself but my daughter and those that have been a “bad influence” in her life, we could never heal and get through this.

          I know what you’re thinking, “Yea right, another Holy Roller” pushing God on me. No, not this Mom. Yes, I’m faithful, and spiritual but definitely not a holy roller. That was the first thing I needed to do. The second was take “I” our of the equation. This wasn’t about me and my mistakes, and what I could have done differently. This was about my child. My teenage daughter. She didn’t need me to judge her, or be disappointed in her. She needed me to support her and help her get through this time. This was just about her.
          We as parents don’t realize that our words cause them to really beat themselves up. My once honest child beat herself up more with the thought of disappointing me, or seeing the disappointment in my face that she began to lie, and each lie became an even bigger lie. But she was honest about some things, so she didn’t “ALWAYS LIE” We can’t say ALWAYS during a situation, because to a teen, ALWAYS Means every time and they take that so literal. This I am learning every day.

          The third thing, not only did she go into counseling, so did I, with a different counselor. My counselor asked me to read a book and I thought to myself, GREAT, How is this going to help me? The book is Reviving Ophelia – Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher PH.D.

Boy I wish someone had told me about this book before the adolescent years. It really explains some of the many stages some girls go through, Mine included.

          This journey of forgiveness and healing has not happened over night, we are actually in the throws of it right now. It’s going to be a long journey and I am sure there will be many ups and downs, but I have faith in God, myself and my daughter that we will come out of this so much stronger and with a better relationship and mutual respect for each other.

          If there is something I can stress to you, Don’t judge your children. They are going to make many mistakes, let them learn from them, don’t take the responsibility of their mistakes, they need to own it. But most of all Don’t ever think “NOT MY CHILD!” because I am here to tell you, Yes, this could be your child, and your story too.

Life is not an easy one. We have gotten to a point in our relationship where we now have a quiet home, we listen to each other. Really listen and let each other finish what we are saying, and if we find that we are starting to get frustrated with each other, we walk away and come back when we are both able to talk calmly and respect each other. WOW, we never thought we'd get to a place like this. Our house was definitely chaotic because let's face it, raising a teenager is tough. And I guess in trying so hard not to be like my parents and yell all the time, and not let anyone finish and express their feelings, that in the end, that is what I did. Don't get me wrong, I'm not placing blame on my parents. They did the best they could at that time and they had 4 kids, and it was such a different generation back then. But in trying so hard not to be like them, I also ended up going from one extreme to the other. I did all the yelling, and screaming, and I also felt that I needed to almost be perfect. Have the perfect kid, the perfect life, and well, let's face it, Nothing & no one is perfect. I put so much pressure on myself to be that perfect because I didn't want anyone to see that I was dying inside & that I really needed help.

I tend to let people walk all over me and hurt me because I feel like that is what I deserve. Not one thing made me feel like that, it was a multitude of things. I will say this, I no longer feel like I need to be the perfect Mom, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect daughter, or the perfect girlfriend. Because I am human & I make mistakes and if people want to walk away, that's ok. God brings people into our lives for a reason & some of them are not always meant to stay. And those that have walked away during the hard times, will definitely not reap the benefits of our good life that we are building. I go, but to sleep every night, knowing that is ok. It made me really sad at first, but not anymore. The relationships that I once thought were so strong, truly ended up being the ones that caused me so much stress and sometimes we have to mourn the loss of certain relationships and that is ok. I have to forgive to move forward. I forgive that they have chosen to judge me and walk away. That is their right. I wish them nothing but the best. At the end of the day there is only one person I Need to make happy & that is God. He is going to be the one I will stand before on my judgement day and he will see that I have really worked hard & continue to work hard to make my life better, and the life of my daughter as well.

It's funny, teenagers make such dumb mistakes. (I remember some really stupid ones I made and I look back & laugh now and think, boy did I really think I knew better back then! LOL)
They do things that we would hope they wouldn't. They put themselves in situations without thinking of the consequences and some have to learn the hard way. That as a parent is so hard, when you have to sit back and allow them to learn the hard way. That is what will make them much better adults some day. I know for me, I can only guide my daughter and give her the skills that I have learned growing up. But I have to watch her have her heart broken, watch her hurt when she loses a friend due to a fight, or a boyfriend who breaks her heart. That is how we all learn, and although I want to save her from most of these painful experiences, she needs to learn to grow and be a better person.
Counseling had been a GOD SENT!!! We have such a long way to go, and we have come so far & gone 20 days with a quiet household, and respecting each other so much more than we did before. We laugh so much more, and we share so much more. Trust me, there will be days and have been days that I am frustrated with choices that are made, and things that are done but how I react is really what makes a huge difference.

Sorry for the long post. It's been quite a long time since I have written, I had a lot to say!

I was so honored to have been asked to write an article saying something to other parents of teenagers who also make not the most perfect/or smart decisions, and my best advice would be, read the book I mentioned above, get into counseling and first & foremost, REALLY LISTEN TO YOUR TEENAGER! Not just what they are saying, what their body language is saying, what their appearance is showing you.... But always always, let your children know that NO MATTER WHAT, YOU LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY!!!! Show them what that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE REALLY IS... We are their safe place & they are going to try to push every button & push every boundary. WE need to show them by example what unconditional love really is... Always remind them... Always love them, because no one in this world will love them like you!!!