this is a little deep and contains a very trumatic topic... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Before you criticize a man,
walk a mile in his shoes.
- Anonymous

So many people have something to say about other people. But I have learned something the last several years and of course with lots of counseling. I'm very open about what has happen to me in my life... I will share my story with anyone. I have survived so much and I feel like NO ONE has the right to judge or criticize me.... And really at the end of the day, I don't care!

There are times even now, that I still have nightmares of being a little girl and being raped by a grown man. I wake up, in sweat, scared and think the one person  that I really want, the man that I Really love,who promised to be there and I look over and he is not there. Those nightmares are not as often as they used to be. But they still happen. I struggle so hard some days, to make it through the day. There are times I think, and well I know, that I have put it behind me, and then there are times, it really creeps up & I feel like it can consume me. That's when I retreat into myself and withdraw from the people closest to me.
 I am working so hard to lose this weight that I have used to mask my pain. My shame, and pain of things that should have never happen to me or any other child. They are not any ones fault but HIS! He should have paid. But that is not for me to decide. But oh, how a part of me wishes I could see him suffer for the things he did to me and so many other girls.

I have worked so hard and am really doing well. I am actually able to be proud of the things I have done to lose this weight. I do have days like today, where I have blown it. We went out to a nice restaurant today since Lexi leaves for Disney tomorrow night. And well, I had a little linguine and some chicken parm. I didn't eat the entire meal, I got the rest to go.. I may not eat it either. But I promised myself when I started this weight loss journey, that if I really wanted something,, I'd eat it, and I am doing that. I have done it a little more now that I have gotten control over my eating. I really believe I have a huge hold on it.  I just need to make sure I continue to stay on track.

My friend Susan said to me last night. (I was wearing the shirt I wore to work, and a pair of stretchies) "Wow you can really see your weight loss with what you are wearing" And I politely said Thank you! She knows it's hard for me to take compliments, but it truly meant so much to me. Because she will not ever say something to me that she doesn't mean.

Then today at work, my friend Julie who has been working so hard to lose weight too & Let me just say how proud I am of her for her hard work!!! She really is starting to look good too! But she said to me "Wow, look at you looking all skinny with what you are wearing" then my friend Pat said, She is really proud of how hard I have been working to lose weight & I said Thank you!! Ugh,, that is so hard for me.
I think the first person who ever said anything to me was a guy and he said how much he could see how much weight I have lost! What a huge compliment that was coming from my friend! That he noticed. He's a big supporter & always goes out of his way to tell me Congrats or whatever. I have made some really amazing friends the last few years. Don't get me wrong, I have some amazing friends that I have had for years! And they have all said something to me about how great I look, and that has helped me as well.

When things are going as good as they have, the nightmares start because I think my subconscious is trying to get me to sabotage myself. I'm really stressed about Lexi leaving for Disney tomorrow night. YES, I know she will be fine! But she is leaving the state without me! It's so hard to trust anyone else with my child. But I know she will have an absolute blast! I can't wait to see her pic's that she posts.. She's got amazing friends with her, and they will be totally fine!

So, I guess with my life lately, I'm trying not to sabotage myself, and my friends paying me compliments is helping. I just really want the nightmares to go away... It amazes me that no matter how long ago that was, and really the last time was almost 30 years ago, and that the nightmares are like it happened yesterday. I wake up, and remember the people I have in my life are not out to hurt me. They are all in my life for whatever reason. Each one of them for different reasons and each bring something special to the friendships we have...

Ok, well I am going to bed. I am exhausted. I forget how being honest and pouring out my heart exhausts me!!!
Have a great night and keep remembering, one day at a time!!! And when that is too long, remember one moment at a time!!!
Thank you all, for all each of you bring to my life! I love you all!!

Godspeed!
Jenn