Our "Rainbows and Butterflies" are the small miracles of our life -
the little things that are so easy to overlook,
yet so awe inspiring when we take a moment
to notice and to pay attention.
Give thanks for the rainbows, for the butterflies,
for all God's creatures - large and small,
for the bright blue sky and the soft fog and the gentle rain,
for the tree veiled in the season's first frost,
for the baby's laugh,
for the touch of a hand and the whispered "I love you."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Sometimes when I stop and think about all the things I have done in my life, and all the things I could have done had I made better choices, well, I am exactly where I am supposed to be and needed to make the mistakes I made, because without making them, I wouldn't be the good Mom I am today! YES, I know for a fact, that I am a good mom. NOT PERFECT but my life experiences have made me a good mom!
I have the most amazing daughter in the world. She is not perfect and I don't expect her to be, almost all the choices she has made thus far have been good ones. Nothing out of the norm for a 14 year old girl. I think by being honest with her, has left it open for her to be totally honest with me. And although she has always told me everything,, I know there are some things I am sure she does not tell me and that is ok. I don't look for her to "tell me everything" yet her friends always ask, "Why do you tell your Mom everything?" And she said, because I can, she doesn't judge me, and she listens to me and doesn't get mad at me. Even if she doesn't like something I may have done, I'd rather her here from me. Which is something I have always told her, be honest, that's all I ask. As long as you tell me the truth, your punishment will be so much less. And it always is... I have an amazing relationship with her.
We had a conversation about the men in her life that have let her down. She feels of course that her Dad dying, and being selfish & not being here for her, was a huge let down, boyfriends I have had, have let her down. She doesn't see her Dad's family, and that is a huge letdown. My Dad has always been there for her and will always be here for her as long as he lives & breathes. He really has been an amazing role model for her, my brother & brothers in law, have also been there for her when she needed "a Dad" figure, they have all been there.
She has asked me why if my last boyfriend was the love of my life, why did I stay with her Dad, I told her that I did love him, but I wanted her, and I stayed in an unhealthy relationship because of wanting a child. Selfish, yes, Did I love her Dad, ABSOLUTELY YES!!! AT the time, I thought he was the love of my life, but when he passed away, I knew, there would never be another human being I would love more than my daughter Lexi.... And then came my last boyfriend, my love for him of course was different than my love for Lexi, I Love her from the depth of my soul as only a Mother can do. I ran into a friend who commented how one of her children, her 3rd, she didn't even want, and he as a teenager knows this, and it broke my heart, because I always wanted more children and couldn't. And how could any Mom not want their child and even if they felt it, how could she ever tell her child that? It's not my place to judge her and boy will she have to answer for that one some day. It's not even a funny comment to make. But Oh for my friends who couldn't have children, or wanted more children & couldn't that comment just killed my heart! I told Lexi, if I had to do it again, I'd do it all over again, because I always wanted her, and never regretted having her. She is absolutely my greatest accomplishment and I am so proud! More than she probably knows!
Why have I picked this topic. I did, because Lexi knows that I am a recovering drug addict and have been clean for almost 17 years. Since July 4th 1995. I was not this hard core drug addict that did drugs for years. I got addicted to pain meds, demurral and dilaudids were my drug of choice and when I couldn't get any more, I went on to cocaine and crack with my husband, who introduced me to those drugs. I did it for about a year, every day. and then I quit. Cold turkey... I have amazing will power when it comes to that and so many other things, but FOOD, has always been the one drug of choice that I Could NOT beat! UNTIL NOW! I have learned to make some great choices, and now I am doing the no grain life style change, and there are times, like yesterday, that I will have a cheat meal. They are not often, but I have allowed myself to have them.
I have amazing support this time. Like I have mentioned, I survived, so much, a recent break up, from the love of my life, and although we are friends, the pain is still raw at times, and boy, do old demons feel like they could creep back in to my life. But I have beat them, and I am not going to let a failed relationship cause me to give up my being drug free for almost 17 years. I am so incredibly proud of that, and I use my drug history and the death of my husband with his overdose, to raise my daughter with honesty about how it can take one time, of using or trying a drug & you are hooked, if you're going to make any mistakes, don't ever even feel the need to try it, "Too be cool" it's not cool! SHE KNOWS THAT! She tells me all the time how proud she is of me, for my weight loss and my determination for sticking with this. Making my daughter proud and showing her how strong I am, is what is most important to me. I want her to be a strong woman, and I know she will be! There will never be anyone in this world, other than God, whose opinion of me would mean more than Lexi's. I know that she is a teenager, and I am not going to be her favorite person at times, but she knows no matter what, she is my heart.
Ok, so I have bragged about my daughter tonight, probably because she is boarding her bus to head to Florida for 5 days, and I am missing her like crazy and reminiscing about some of our recent conversations....
Lexi does not read my blog and will not even know I wrote about her and what an amazing person she is. But I tell her all the time, that she makes me always want to be the best person I can be, because she will someday make a huge change in this world. She is going to be someone, and hopefully she'll have learned from my mistakes and not make the same ones as me.
Well, I am going to close because I have rambled, but this is my blog, and I can do that! :)
Oh, I had a protein bar and 3 cheese sticks for breakfast, for lunch, my good friend got me grilled chicken nuggets from Chick Fil'A, which he didn't think looked too appetizing, but OMG, they were so good,and then I had some chicken and left over linguine for dinner... it wasn't a lot, but I enjoyed the left overs from last night!Hope you all have a great evening...
Thanks for coming back and reading my blog. It means more to me than you will ever know!
GODSPEED!!!
Jenn
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