A Crossroads..............

You are now at a crossroads. Your journey brought you here, this is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.

What an amazing weekend I had. I reached a milestone in my weight loss journey that wouldn't be that big of a deal for anyone else, but for me it was a huge milestone. I completed the Angels Among Us 5K in under 45 minutes from start to finish. That was huge for me. The fact I finished it in under an hour was huge for me. I jogged and walked it. Then my friend Julie & I did the 2.3 mile Family walk and we did that with the VP of Operations from our company and 3 of his 4 kids. It really was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed getting to know him a little better. I have never really spoken to him other than, "Hey Dan, how are you?" so it was nice. His kids were good, his wife was out of town. When Julie & I were approaching the finish line from the 5K our CEO & one of the HR people were standing there rooting us on. It was really nice.

A group of us went out last night to see a coworkers band, it was nice, but Julie & I were so tired, and her kids were waiting at my house, and my friend Kris went with us. It was nice that she got to go out with us. I have not seen her other than at church for a while. I missed her, and then when we got back to my house, she & I hung out for hours talking.

 I woke up with such a headache and coffee did not help. I realized I never took any of my meds yesterday and although I drank a lot of water, I probably didn't drink near as much as I should have. My headache is gone though. It was more like a migraine which was the first one I have had since my spinal tap. Thank God I don't suffer from them like I used too. I'm doing so much better in that area.

So, I weighed myself last night, and lost another 2 lbs putting me at 43 lbs. Yes I can't believe it, I will weigh myself later in the week though because I am not sure that was correct. Hoping it's a bigger loss after my busy week this past week. I am really trying hard to stay on task. It's not that hard, but still yesterday with the walk, I broke, and had a bagel, and had a Chick Fil A' sandwich and a cookie. Yea, I went a little over board but went right back on my lifestyle change this today.

Decided I need to cut back on my wine again. I really enjoy a glass of wine at night, but I'm going to limit myself to every other night. I think the Sugar in the wine is slowing down my weight loss. Not that I am doing bad, cause I am not, but I am going to pull back then cut down to almost nothing and have a light beer every once in a while. I go through spurts with my drinking, I'll have a glass or two several nights a week for months then won't touch it for 6 months or longer.

I was going to go back to the boxing gym tomorrow until the owner sent out a horrible letter to all the members, and I will not give him the satisfaction of walking through his door again. I am going to a place closer to home, my neighbor teaches Zumba, and my FNP at my Dr's office wants to take Zumba with me, so we will hopefully start this week. I will also take Yoga at work.

I am feeling like I am at a Crossroads lately. I have gone on a few days since my boyfriend and I broke up. I signed up for a singles site, but I haven't joined yet. It's only $10 a month for a few months. I have gotten 16 responses to my profile, and a bunch of smiles too which is a guys way of saying hi, I can smile back, but can't email them or see their emails since I have not joined yet. I'm a little hesitant only because I don't know if my heart is ready for that yet, so I am going to wait one more day before I make a decision. I am stunned at the responses and have to not let fear take over. So I will take a deep breath and make a decision tomorrow.

Well tonight is early to bed, since Lexi comes home in the morning. I can't wait. I have missed her so very much....

Good night.
GODSPEED!
Jenn

I finally figured out what I need to do....Thank you to my friend for his suggestion!

It is neither wealth nor splendor;
but tranquility and occupation which give you happiness.
- Thomas Jefferson

Well it's Friday, the 27th and I was trying to figure out why I was so depressed today. I realized it would have been my 10 month anniversary with my now ex. We officially broke up just a few weeks ago. I am really sad when I think about all the broken promises. I truly believed in him. I truly believed in us. We had been friends for a long time before we started dating. Sometimes people aren't who they appear to be. It doesn't make him a bad guy, it just means we didn't work out. It's hard because he has been one of my best guy friends for so long. And we are still friends, but it's weird now. I try to tell him things and find that I am very guarded. I don't know if he has noticed it or not. But that's  part of what happens when you break up & are hurt. He tries really hard now, and I know that God has a plan for me, not sure what it is yet though....

Another guy friend suggested that I join Match.com or one of those sights! I have done that one before, and not interested in that. SO I am as I type joining Christianmingles.com... YUP I am. I am not sure why yet. Just going to give it a shot and see what happens. There's a plan somewhere and I figure I really don't want to get serious with anyone until Lexi gets out of High School, but maybe, just maybe I'll meet a nice guy,, that I can have a good time with. That's all I want, someone I have the same interests with, someone who wants to have a good time, go out and catch a movie, or go to a nice restaurant, or even on a long walk. Someone who has an idea how to treat a woman like a lady and have him put me first. Not first before God or his kids, If he has any, but at least at the top of that list, like at least #3 and wants to spend time with me... I don't think that is too much to ask. I want someone who wants to watch old movies, and laugh, cook dinner and have a glass of wine/beer and just kick back and relax. Someone I can totally be myself with.
So, if any of you have any suggestions on some stuff I can't write about myself, feel free to make those suggestions but be kind... :) Describing myself is going to be hard....

Well Lexi is in Disney and having a blast, and tomorrow I have a 5k run. Not going to run the entire thing but going to attempt to run a little bit of it. So that I Can say, that I tried!  Going with Susan and the rest of my work people. Not everyone, but a few of my good friends.

Thank you friend for suggesting Internet dating, I'm going to give it a shot!!! Ughh, going to step outside the box. Wish me luck! Here goes!!

Before I sign off, let me say, I did well with my food today, had a protein bar & 2 pieces of string cheese for breakfast, for lunch I had some grilled chicken, which I was not able to eat a lot of it because we went to Buffalo Wild Wings in Cary and the food & service were terrible and we even got a replacement and that was worse... Oh well, not a lot of food today but I am working on it. I'll weigh myself on Sunday and post Sunday night my loss since the last time I posted my loss.


Have a great night!
Godspeed!
Jenn

A quiet night at home by myself

Our "Rainbows and Butterflies" are the small miracles of our life -
the little things that are so easy to overlook,
yet so awe inspiring when we take a moment
to notice and to pay attention.
Give thanks for the rainbows, for the butterflies,
for all God's creatures - large and small,
for the bright blue sky and the soft fog and the gentle rain,
for the tree veiled in the season's first frost,
for the baby's laugh,
for the touch of a hand and the whispered "I love you."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sometimes when I stop and think about all the things I have done in my life, and all the things I could have done had I made better choices, well, I am exactly where I am supposed to be and needed to make the mistakes I made, because without making them, I wouldn't be the good Mom I am today! YES, I know for a fact, that I am a good mom. NOT PERFECT but my life experiences have made me a good mom!
I have the most amazing daughter in the world. She is not perfect and I don't expect her to be, almost all the choices she has made thus far have been good ones. Nothing out of the norm for a 14 year old girl. I think by being honest with her, has left it open for her to be totally honest with me. And although she has always told me everything,, I know there are some things I am sure she does not tell me and that is ok. I don't look for her to "tell me everything" yet her friends always ask, "Why do you tell your Mom everything?" And she said, because I can, she doesn't judge me, and she listens to me and doesn't get mad at me. Even if she doesn't like something I may have done, I'd rather her here from me. Which is something I have always told her, be honest, that's all I ask. As long as you tell me the truth, your punishment will be so much less. And it always is...  I have an amazing relationship with her.
We had a conversation about the men in her life that have let her down. She feels of course that her Dad dying, and being selfish & not being here for her, was a huge let down, boyfriends I have had, have let her down. She doesn't see her Dad's family, and that is a huge letdown. My Dad has always been there for her and will always be here for her as long as he lives & breathes. He really has been an amazing role model for her, my brother & brothers in law, have also been there for her when she needed "a Dad" figure, they have all been there.

She has asked me why if my last boyfriend was the love of my life, why did I stay with her Dad, I told her that I did love him, but I wanted her, and I stayed in an unhealthy relationship because of wanting a child. Selfish, yes, Did I love her Dad, ABSOLUTELY YES!!! AT the time, I thought he was the love of my life, but when he passed away, I knew, there would never be another human being I would love more than my daughter Lexi.... And then came my last boyfriend, my love for him of course was different than my love for Lexi, I Love her from the depth of my soul as only a Mother can do. I ran into a friend who commented how one of her children, her 3rd, she didn't even want, and he as a teenager knows this, and it broke my heart, because I always wanted more children and couldn't. And how could any Mom not want their child and even if they felt it, how could she ever tell her child that? It's not my place to judge her and boy will she have to answer for that one some day. It's not even a funny comment to make. But Oh for my friends who couldn't have children, or wanted more children & couldn't that comment just killed my heart! I told Lexi, if I had to do it again, I'd do it all over again, because I always wanted her, and never regretted having her. She is absolutely my greatest accomplishment and I am so proud! More than she probably knows!

Why have I picked this topic. I did, because Lexi knows that I am a recovering drug addict and have been clean for almost 17 years. Since July 4th 1995. I was not this hard core drug addict that did drugs for years. I got addicted to pain meds, demurral and dilaudids were my drug of  choice and when I couldn't get any more, I went on to cocaine and crack with my husband, who introduced me to those drugs. I did it for about a year, every day. and then I quit. Cold turkey... I have amazing will power when it comes to that and so many other things, but FOOD, has always been the one drug of choice that I Could NOT beat! UNTIL NOW!  I have learned to make some great choices, and now I am doing the no grain life style change, and there are times, like yesterday, that I will have a cheat meal. They are not often, but I have allowed myself to have them.

I have amazing support this time. Like I have mentioned, I survived, so much, a recent break up, from the love of my life, and although we are friends, the pain is still raw at times, and boy, do old demons feel like they could creep back in to my life. But I have beat them, and I am not going to let a failed relationship cause me to give up my being drug free for almost 17 years. I am so incredibly proud of that, and I use my drug history and the death of my husband with his overdose, to raise my daughter with honesty about how it can take one time, of using or trying a drug & you are hooked, if you're going to make any mistakes, don't ever even feel the need to try it, "Too be cool" it's not cool! SHE KNOWS THAT! She tells me all the time how proud she is of me, for my weight loss and my determination for sticking with this. Making my daughter proud and showing her how strong I am, is what is most important to me. I want her to be a strong woman, and I know she will be! There will never be anyone in this world, other than God, whose opinion of me would mean more than Lexi's. I know that she is a teenager, and I am not going to be her favorite person at times, but she knows no matter what, she is my heart.

Ok, so I have bragged about my daughter tonight, probably because she is boarding her bus to head to Florida for 5 days, and I am missing her like crazy and reminiscing about some of our recent conversations....
Lexi does not read my blog and will not even know I wrote about her and what an amazing person she is. But I tell her all the time, that she makes me always want to be the best person I can be, because she will someday make a huge change in this world. She is going to be someone, and hopefully she'll have learned from my mistakes and not make the same ones as me.

Well, I am going to close because I have rambled, but this is my blog, and I can do that! :)

Oh, I had a protein bar and 3 cheese sticks for breakfast, for lunch, my good friend got me grilled chicken nuggets from Chick Fil'A, which he didn't think looked too appetizing, but OMG, they were so good,and then I had some chicken and left over  linguine for dinner... it wasn't a lot, but I enjoyed the left overs from last night!Hope you all have a great evening...
Thanks for coming back and reading my blog. It means more to me than you will ever know!

GODSPEED!!!
Jenn

this is a little deep and contains a very trumatic topic... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Before you criticize a man,
walk a mile in his shoes.
- Anonymous

So many people have something to say about other people. But I have learned something the last several years and of course with lots of counseling. I'm very open about what has happen to me in my life... I will share my story with anyone. I have survived so much and I feel like NO ONE has the right to judge or criticize me.... And really at the end of the day, I don't care!

There are times even now, that I still have nightmares of being a little girl and being raped by a grown man. I wake up, in sweat, scared and think the one person  that I really want, the man that I Really love,who promised to be there and I look over and he is not there. Those nightmares are not as often as they used to be. But they still happen. I struggle so hard some days, to make it through the day. There are times I think, and well I know, that I have put it behind me, and then there are times, it really creeps up & I feel like it can consume me. That's when I retreat into myself and withdraw from the people closest to me.
 I am working so hard to lose this weight that I have used to mask my pain. My shame, and pain of things that should have never happen to me or any other child. They are not any ones fault but HIS! He should have paid. But that is not for me to decide. But oh, how a part of me wishes I could see him suffer for the things he did to me and so many other girls.

I have worked so hard and am really doing well. I am actually able to be proud of the things I have done to lose this weight. I do have days like today, where I have blown it. We went out to a nice restaurant today since Lexi leaves for Disney tomorrow night. And well, I had a little linguine and some chicken parm. I didn't eat the entire meal, I got the rest to go.. I may not eat it either. But I promised myself when I started this weight loss journey, that if I really wanted something,, I'd eat it, and I am doing that. I have done it a little more now that I have gotten control over my eating. I really believe I have a huge hold on it.  I just need to make sure I continue to stay on track.

My friend Susan said to me last night. (I was wearing the shirt I wore to work, and a pair of stretchies) "Wow you can really see your weight loss with what you are wearing" And I politely said Thank you! She knows it's hard for me to take compliments, but it truly meant so much to me. Because she will not ever say something to me that she doesn't mean.

Then today at work, my friend Julie who has been working so hard to lose weight too & Let me just say how proud I am of her for her hard work!!! She really is starting to look good too! But she said to me "Wow, look at you looking all skinny with what you are wearing" then my friend Pat said, She is really proud of how hard I have been working to lose weight & I said Thank you!! Ugh,, that is so hard for me.
I think the first person who ever said anything to me was a guy and he said how much he could see how much weight I have lost! What a huge compliment that was coming from my friend! That he noticed. He's a big supporter & always goes out of his way to tell me Congrats or whatever. I have made some really amazing friends the last few years. Don't get me wrong, I have some amazing friends that I have had for years! And they have all said something to me about how great I look, and that has helped me as well.

When things are going as good as they have, the nightmares start because I think my subconscious is trying to get me to sabotage myself. I'm really stressed about Lexi leaving for Disney tomorrow night. YES, I know she will be fine! But she is leaving the state without me! It's so hard to trust anyone else with my child. But I know she will have an absolute blast! I can't wait to see her pic's that she posts.. She's got amazing friends with her, and they will be totally fine!

So, I guess with my life lately, I'm trying not to sabotage myself, and my friends paying me compliments is helping. I just really want the nightmares to go away... It amazes me that no matter how long ago that was, and really the last time was almost 30 years ago, and that the nightmares are like it happened yesterday. I wake up, and remember the people I have in my life are not out to hurt me. They are all in my life for whatever reason. Each one of them for different reasons and each bring something special to the friendships we have...

Ok, well I am going to bed. I am exhausted. I forget how being honest and pouring out my heart exhausts me!!!
Have a great night and keep remembering, one day at a time!!! And when that is too long, remember one moment at a time!!!
Thank you all, for all each of you bring to my life! I love you all!!

Godspeed!
Jenn

IT'S A NEW DAWN, IT'S A NEW DAY!!

Treat the earth well.
It was not given to you by your parents,
it was loaned to you by your children.
We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors,
we borrow it from our Children.
- Native American traditional

Life has been so busy  lately. Lexi's getting ready to go to Disney. I cleaned out the spare room so my friend has a place to stay when she stays here during the week. Susan will be staying with us during the week. She lives quite a ways from work and it takes her about 1 1/2 hours each way to get to work. She's been staying here off & on for weeks, but now her room is finally ready! I worked my butt off this weekend to get it done. I filled 3 full black trash bags full of Lexi's old crap. Best time to do it was Lexi wasn't here. I have several boxes in the hall & a few things in my room to go through, but I have made major headway.
While Lexi is away in Florida, I'm hoping to get her room done!  That in itself is going to be a huge undertaking. UGH!!! But I'll try to have it done this coming weekend. Then my house will be set and I have some stuff downstairs to go through then the whole house will be completely done.

I woke up with the song It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day.. in my head. Jennifer Hudson sings it for the Weight Watchers commercial. And today, I felt like today was my day. It was a good day, especially at work. I got to talk to a really nice doctor, and he made some small talk with me, and I ended up having to transfer him to my director, and when he spoke to her he paid me some very high compliments to her, which was really nice!!

Work has been good, busy but good. My social life has really picked up. It's amazing. My best guy friend Joe told me the other night that I have changed lately. I asked how, and he said it was so much for the better. He said I carry myself with such confidence. He said I always did, but even more so now, and I have a spring to my step. I said I think it's because I finally have some answers & clarity in my life, and I am starting to date a lot more. Speaking of which, after Lexi leaves for her Disney trip,, I have a date. This is going to be a fun one. I am looking forward to it. I am allowing myself to go out with several different men. I'm kind of finding my way if that makes sense?? I'm not exclusively dating anyone right now and I am loving getting to go out & meet new people. Don't get me wrong, most of them have not been relationship or worthy of a second date. But I have still had fun. It's nice to get out & get some attention, although I will admit, the ones that are not worthy of hanging out with again, have not been great attention. So I have decided to stay local and try local places... Makes for an easier chance at meeting someone local.

I didn't make it to the gym today. Kidney stones, are no fun. I'm keeping that really quite. I'm not sick or anything, just uncomfortable. I have passed one stone already. I have not had kidney stones in about 13 years.
I took Lexi shopping tonight for a few things that she needed for her Disney trip on Thursday. I can't believe she is leaving the state without me. She has gone away before, but never for 5 days without me out of state! :(    She'll be fine, not sure I will be! LOL I'll miss her terribly. But she'll have fun and will be performing at Epcot with her school & friends. I'm comfortable with her chaperone's and the kids in her group.

Today,,,, oh, I had my first sandwich. YES I DID! I was dying for a french dip (roast beef, and cheddar on bread) I have not had one since before Jan 1.12. Of course I will not be doing that again. Talk about feeling sluggish after lunch. Extra working out this week for sure...
I had cheesy chicken & broccoli for dinner. It's one of my favorite low carb recipes. (Thanks Kim)
Well that's about it.

I hope you all have an awesome night!

GODSPEED!

Jenn

Almost Friday

It is my choice to care deeply about others.
No kindness is too small to be important -
the smile to the bank teller,
the sincere "thank you" for all kindnesses received,
the reassuring hand on the shoulder of a loved one or friend.
There is compassion in selfless generosity,
but there is also compassion in heartfelt empathy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

So I got my A$$ totally kicked at the gym tonight. I thought the Booty Boot Camp was hard & boy is it, but I took a Zumba class for 45 minutes then I took a 1 hour toning & Strengthening class. Another A$$ kicking... But it was really good & I am so glad I went! I don't know how glad I will be in the morning when I can't lift my arms, but Thank God it's Friday tomorrow! My friend Julie is a work horse, it is amazing that she pushes so hard. I'm glad cause she helps me and  pushes me so much further than I would have pushed myself.

I did really well with my food today. I had coffee for breakfast then I had 2 pieces of asparagus wrapped in turkey, and a few french fries. Last nights left overs from dinner at JD's Tavern.
Then tonight for dinner, I had a big salad with grilled chicken and apples in it. YUM.. It helped me feel a little better because I was feeling like I was going to throw up. That's how I know my workout was good. I must have drank 8 or 9 bottles of water during the classes if not more.
I am going to get in the shower, stretch and crawl into bed.

I hope you all have a fantastic Friday!
I'll be back tomorrow.
Godspeed!
Jenn

Total weight loss so far..............

We attract abundance when we ask from a compassionate heart.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why is it that the days seem so long but the nights seem to just slip by in the blink of an eye?  Today again felt like the longest day ever! It's funny cause I was all caught up on my work and am actually a few days ahead, but it's better that way! Then I'm not stressing to make sure I get some of it done.

Today I got up early, I had an appt to see the Dr. Stephenie is awesome. I could not be more blessed with an amazing role model and friend as to have her in my life. She really has no idea just how special she is to me. It's nice to have someone I can go to who totally gets me & doesn't judge me or think I'm nuts when I talk to her about "stuff". She is so proud of the success I have had with my weight loss.

I get to work today and some of my friends were asking how my appt went and when I told them that YES, I have LOST 41 lbs. They all made such a big deal. It was so nice!!  Someone even said how awesome I look and she wanted to know exactly what I was doing & she just made me feel awesome about it. I am really proud of my success.

I will tell you, my breakup with my boyfriend normally would have set me on a downward spiral that I would have sabotaged myself. NOT THIS TIME!! I used my heartache to my advantage. I have allowed myself to grieve, but I have also allowed myself to breathe again. To let myself go out, and to have fun, because I deserve it. A good friend of mine said to me, (When I told him about my breakup) he said, If I can't touch you, feel you, and be with you in an hour, we're not dating! ( he wasn't saying me, he was just saying in a relationship) and I guess that kinda made sense.

 I waited a long time for my boyfriend, and although I have loved him for so long, it's almost like I forgot what life was like before I loved him, and although he lived several hours away, We talked, texted, emailed & skyped, did something to contact every day, several times a day. That now, it's like a drug addict, almost having withdrawals not talking to him. But in a weird way, I am so much LESS STRESSED. I no longer wonder, what he's doing, because I am so busy being busy with my own time. My life no longer "revolves" around him and his feelings. Don't get me wrong, he still holds a big piece of my heart, but I am learning that if someone is supposed to be in your life they will stay, and if not, that's ok too! There is something for me to learn from everyone.
I have so many supporters on FB & in my life that support my weight loss efforts!  It's absolutely amazing! Many of my biggest supporters are my guy friends in my life. I have a few that are very special to me, & you know who you are! 

Today, I had a protein bar for breakfast, a salad for lunch and asparagus wrapped in turkey for dinner! I drink lots of water and am just feeling awesome! And I must admit, so incredibly proud of myself.
My best guy friend Joe said I need to have my clothes tailored because it's cheaper than buying clothes, and he's right, I just may do that! lol
We shall see.

I want to thank all of you who have supported me, especially my daughter Lexi and my friends Julie & Susan. Julie has been on this journey with me from day one, and although I bailed on her today at the boxing gym, I'll be back tomorrow, and pumped and ready to go!
But most of all to my very good friends, who read this every day and tell me how proud you are of me ALL the time... It's your support that has made this journey so much more rewarding for me.

Thank you!!
Hope you all have a great night & I can't wait to tell you all next week, what my new weight loss # is...
Oh & before I forget. I have to ask my friend (You know who you are) When I get to my goal, you'd better go SKY DIVING WITH ME! Now, let's see if you know who you are!!! That is my dream, to SKY DIVE!!!

Godspeed!
Jenn

Today was a long day

Half of everything you were ever taught is wrong;
the question is which half.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I'm sitting here watching Private Practice with tears streaming down my face as one of the characters is dying of brain cancer. It's so incredibly sad. It makes me realize how short life is. And how we need to tell the ones we love how we really feel about them. Sometimes people wait, and then it's too late. If you really care about someone, regardless of your circumstances you need to let them know how you feel. Life is just way too short.

Today was a long day, I was so tired and then I went & got my hair done by my friend Emily, who did an amazing job, as always!
I was so sore from the booty boot camp yesterday and as much as I would love to blow the class off tomorrow, I am going to stick it out. The only person I will let down is myself. I know that if I do this class and it helps me lose more weight, it will really make me feel sexy and desirable. I'm not really feeling it lately. Which is kinda funny because I have had a few dates lately but it's just not the same.
Oh well, sometimes life has a way of showing us what we need to see at certain times in our lives. I don't feel like I am my age, which I guess is a good thing, I definitely feel like I am in my early 30's and I am going to be 44 soon. CRAZY! I can't believe I am in my 40's Where has the time gone?

I did ok with my food today, I actually had some Mexican for lunch but didn't over due it and I have what i want when I want. I am really watching it though. I am going to the Dr's in the morning, for just a follow up and weigh in. Hopefully it will be a good weight loss!
Well I am going to head to bed, I have so much more I want to write, but will wait for tomorrow!

Good night all!
GODSPEED!

Jenn

Can't believe I survived a boxing class...

Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety
or the handle of faith.
- Henry Ward Beecher

What a day. I was so tired this morning and was not looking forward to going to my Boxing-2B-Fit class tonight. I was actually really dreading it & hoping we would cancel., 2 of my friends weren't able to go, but my friend Julie & I went.
I did really well with my food today. Had 2 pieces of string cheese and coffee for breakfast, drank lots of water then went out to lunch for my friend Pat's birthday and I got a chicken salad, salad. It was really good. Yes, I said a chicken Salad, salad. It was very tastey. Had cucumbers and lettuce in it.
Then about an hour before work finished, I ate a  power bar so I would have something in my stomach. Went to the boxing class and came home and had chicken, peppers & onions. Lexi made it, it was really good. Now I am sitting on the couch, and trying to stay awake to write my blog. I need to stay awake a little longer because I need to talk to a friend tonight, and it'll be a little while before I talk to him.
The guy at the boxing place was a total jerk. I honestly wanted to get all NY & tell him to go screw himself & leave. But the classy me, stepped up, took what he said, swallowed it, and listened to what he had to say. In the end, he wanted to see if Julie & I were tough enough to tough it out! I guess we passed because he ended up hugging on me, and touching us like we were old friends, and being very supportive. I was rather shocked to say the least. But even though it was hard not to be offended, I actually got why he did what he did. Julie was awesome during the class, I felt like I was going to throw up & pass out. She was so supportive and kept me going. I DON'T QUIT! But boy did I want to leave after a few mintues, we took the Booty Boot Camp. It is NO JOKE! I did almost throw up & almost passed out a few times. The lady that did the class was awesome & showed me how to modify some stuff and said, this is your first workout here, don't push yourself too hard. So I did, but in last 15 mintues, I modified it a lot more but the goal was to keep moving which I did. The entire time! I HAVE NEVER SWEAT SO MUCH IN MY LIFE!!! EVER!!!! 

I talked with the instructor after and she suggested that I go every other day to start so I don't get burnt out, and that is what I am going to do.

Well I need to finish my wine & crawl into bed & pass out. I hope you all have a great night, and I will do my best to start writing every day again, been really slack the last few weeks getting back into the swing of things.

Hope you all have a great night!
GODSPEED!
Jenn

It's almost Friday again!!!! And what an exciting weekend I have planned!

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside,
somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.
Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.
- Anne Frank

I am so glad it's almost Friday. I am looking forward to some fun stuff this weekend. Going out tomorrow night after work, and Lexi is sleeping at a friends house tomorrow, and then we have some fun stuff planned for Saturday. Then Saturday night I am heading out for a bit again. I never go out and to have plans both nights is very cool. I'm actually excited. I guess if I don't put myself out there I will never have an opportunity to meet more people. That's the best part about Lexi being 14. I can go out, and she can do stuff with her friends and I don't have to feel bad. There are many weekends that she's busy the entire weekend so it works out for us. She is growing so fast.

I still can't get over the amazing time we had in Florida. Even though there was some disappoint in our personal lives, we really had a great time with everyone and of course each other. We grew so much closer this trip. We travel so well together too. We laughed a lot on the trip. We are such people watchers too so it adds to the fun.

Today was a great day with my food.  I had a banana for breakfast. Ugh, I have not been in the mood for banana's lately and tried to force myself to eat it, it was so hard to eat it, I go through spurts where I like Banana's then times that I don't. I don't get it. But I ate it, then for lunch I had roasted eggplant from a place called Neomande. OMG, that place is awesome. A friend introduced me to that place and I love it. I also had a fruit salad with the roasted egg plant., Then for dinner I had filet Mignon wrapped in back, with green beans. It was good.
Now I'm kicking back, just finished watching a show called Touch which is so good, and having a glass of wine too.

Well I am going to start my Box-2B-Fit classes next week. So looking forward to that too. That should hopefully jump start my weight loss again, even though I have lost so much weight but I know I could lose so much more and quicker if I throw in some working out too.

Well I am getting off this computer, gotta go clean my room and get some laundry started since I am going to be busy this weekend.

Godspeed.

Jenn

Life has really changed for me lately

The only gift is a portion of thyself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life has really changed for me in the last year. Some of them have been some great ones and some of them have not. They may have started out great but ended less appealing. Less than a year ago, I was out of work, looking for a job and really didn't think I was going to find it. I had truly considered not going back into corporate work again. I thought maybe I was not cut out to be in an office setting.
But on unemployment I had to apply for jobs so I did. I applied for the job at Biologics in May and did not hear anything until September. I interviewed and got the job. It is a good place to work. Like any other job, there are things that will change as the company gets larger. When I was hired, I was employee 98. Now we have over 108 employees and the company is growing. I Love what I do. I get to speak to people all day long who either have cancer or their loved one has cancer. Sounds easy right? Not at all. I have a great relationship with so many of my patients. They each touch my life and make me realize how incredibly blessed I am in my own life, especially when I am down in the dumps, and life is hard, at least I have my over all health.

I have made some amazing friends and several of them will be life long friends. Friends that have become family. We do a lot together. It's really nice. I look forward to the growth and hope that I can move up the chain of command as time goes on.
So, at the start of the new year, I decided to make a LifeStyle Change. I took almost all grain out of my foods! It has been a lot easier than I thought. And although it is not for everyone, it has truly worked for me, more than any other diet I have ever tried. I have lost 37 1/2 lbs, and still losing, all since Jan 1. I am working so hard to lose weight and each day it gets a little easier. I have been able to stay on target most of the time even with a breakup, and having been sick dealing with a bad spinal tap & spinal headache. I can't believe that I have stayed consistent with losing weight. I am so proud of myself. I used to over eat when I was stressed. I always had a reason to celebrate with food. A big part of it really was to use my weight as my protector. I have always used my weight thinking a man would not want me if I was really heavy. That turned out not to be true. And although I have always used it that way, that is no longer a way of life for me. I no longer celebrate with food, I no longer eat when I am sad, eat when I am happy, nor eat when I am bored. I find a whole lot of other things to do so I don't eat.
The longer time passes and I look in the mirror, I will not ever let anyone make me feel like I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough. I AM! I deserve to be treated with a lot of respect and I am finally realizing that I do not need to settle on someone treating me any less.

Well I am rambling tonight. I have a lot in my head! I will be back tomorrow night.

Godspeed!
Jenn

DRAMA, DRAMA EVERYWHERE...

That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.
- William J. H. Boetcker

So I have had way too much drama in my life lately & I SO DO NOT DO DRAMA WELL AT ALL! So today I decided to take myself out of it. It was my own drama of course, the end of a relationship and well, although we are going to "TRY" to stay friends, who knows what will happen. I am really hurt right now. And well, yea, really pissed off with him. My main concern is picking up the pieces & keep going. I'm good at that! That honestly is something I am a pro at!

My food intake has been really good as far as the quantity I am eating at a meal, but I know right now from the stress I have days that I am just eating a protein bar for breakfast, then grilled chicken for lunch then well for dinner, I couldn't eat so I didn't! :(
This is better than like I'd have done in the past. I'd have over eaten because I would feel like I wasn't good enough, and all those crazy emotions. I know that with this relationship, I can walk away and hold my head high, knowing I stuck it out, was honest and did everything I said i would do! See when I love someone, I don't tell them right away. I wait til they say it. And that was the same for this relationship. I was very hesitant because we lived in other states, and we waited a few years before we ever got involved like that, because I wanted to get to know him, and well I thought I did. And the hardest part is to walk away, knowing how much I love him, but know, that if it's meant to be we will find our way back to each other when the time is right, and well if not, we'll maybe remain friends. Who knows what the future holds??? I have let it go & given it to God, and well, we shall see.
That's the best I can offer. But again, I walk away, knowing I did everything right, and well, maybe, just maybe I should have listened to my gut. I'm not going to bash him, but he's a train wreck right now, and well, I needed to get off "the run away train!" or the "roller coaster" not sure which it was!

Anyway, life will settle down, I'll be going out on a blind date within the next week and looking forward to that.

Well I'm heading to bed!
HAVE A GREAT EVENING..
Godspeed
Jenn

Happy Easter! & Happy Passover to everyone!

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Even today I had been able to pretty much stay on target with my program. My sister Erin & her husband John hosted Easter. I had a chicken & pepper kabob, a burger with guacamole, a small amt of potato salad and even had a small helping of homemade mac & cheese. Oh & let me NOT forget my pickles! I ate nothing all day but coffee so I could have what I wanted without feeling guilty. Then I allowed myself to have a cupcake, and some fruit. I figured after the week I had on vacation, and with all the walking & exercising I did, that having a cupcake wouldn't hurt after losing 3 lbs while I was away! I don't know how I did it! Probably all the walking I did. LOL

I had an amazing vacation, even though while I was in Florida, my boyfriend and I ended our relationship of almost a year. It's been really hard, he is one of my best friends and I love him with all my heart. I don't know what the future holds, but we will try to stay friends in the mean time. It's all up to God now... We shall see. I can't believe that although I was dealing with the heartache, I was able to concentrate on staying on target with my plan. I can't believe I am down 37.5 lbs!!! And dropping!! So incredibly proud of myself!!!

I have so many exciting things coming up this month. Lexi is going to perform at Disney's Epcot and although I can't go, she will have a great time. That is the last weekend of the month. I am doing a 5k with some work friends, for the Angels Among Us. So looking forward to that and then that night, a group of us are going to see one of our coworkers and his band perform at a bar. That is going to be a lot of fun.

Ugh, my tattoo's are itchin like crazy!!! Can't wait til they heal! This coming Saturday Pastor Mike is starting a new sermon series, on Family Matters. It is going to be awesome!1!

Well I have to get ready for bed!
Have a great start to your week!Happy Easter, and Happy Passover!

GODSPEED!!
Jenn

Wow it's been a while

Please Lord, teach us to laugh again. But God, don't ever let us forget that we cried..

 

Oh it's been quite a while since I have posted on here. I am on vacation in Florida and am having a really nice time. Unfortunately I found out something while here, that broke my heart. Long story, not going to even discuss it at this point. Honestly, I have to learn that I need to not be so trusting. Sometimes we trust people that should never have it. I will definitely think twice next time.... Enough about that..

Florida has been amazing. Lexi does not want to come home. I have gotten to see so many people and I am so glad! I have reunited with so many people from HS and so many people that I have not seen in 10 years, it's been awesome and the trip is not over yet. I even got to reunite with a friend I had not seen since my husband died 15 years ago. And got to meet so many people.

My first few days of vacation had been rough staying in a hotel, and staying away from grains in downtown Disney. So, I enjoyed myself. Unfortunately I ended up really sick from the grain & flour. But I did not let it ruin my vacation. I thought I broke a tooth, turns out I just have a sensitive tooth. Never went to the dentist, because I was able to see that it was the tooth my own dentist had told me was very ssensitive, well, now I will have to go back to my Sensitive toothpaste.

I am looking forward to having lunch with an old HS friend. I have not seen him in over 25 years, and we're meeting in downtown Disney for lunch. We are heading over there early so we can hopefully be there by noon or 1. Then I'm meeting some other friends for drinks at night. Then Lexi & I will turn in, and be on our way home! I love being away but can't wait to be in my own bed, in my own house on Saturday, with my daughter & my puppy! Who I have missed terribly. 

Since we have been in North Port Fl, I have been able to pretty much stick to my food plan, and then with all the stress I have been under, I have refused to let anything deter me from this plan. 

I got 2 new tattoo's and had 3 touched up. They are awesome. Lexi designed my rose tattoo with the word "Strong" on a banner, because she thinks I am the strongest woman she knows. Which means more to me than anyone could or will ever know.

This tattoo will continuously remind me that I am STRONG, I am confident, independent & DO NOT NEED A MAN TO COMPLETE ME!!! Thank you to my amazing daughter for reminding me of that today! I love you Bella, and you will ALWAYS COME FIRST!!!!

I look forward to weighing in when I get home, and seeing where I am at. But I really need to invest in some new clothes!! That is the next thing I am going to do!!

Godspeed!
Jenn