Love is when the other person's happiness
is more important than your own.
~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.~

Intense love does not measure, it just gives.
~Mother Theresa~


So tonight I posted 2 different quotes. I have been struggling with this one. Love is something that does not come easy for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I love my puppy, I Love my family & of course Love my friends. But falling in love is not something that comes easy for me. Why? you might be asking?? Well because of a lot of things. I guess I have never felt worthy. I know many of you probably think it's stupid. But really, it's not. It's weird, my parents have been very supportive of me, but for some reason, I always felt like I needed their approval for so many things, and let's be honest, like most kids, I didn't get it. Because I made some really dumb NO STUPID Choices. But they were always there & always loved me. But I always felt like I was not enough for anyone. Not good enough. Being damaged goods, having been through what I have in my life, "I" Labeled myself "as damaged goods". I have always allowed others to give me scraps of their love, and always accepted it because it's what I always felt like I deserved that. SCRAPS!!!! Why? I deserve so much more than that.

Bare with me, this is going to get into my eating, & all that, I promise.
I asked a very good married, male friend of mine a question today. I wanted to know WHY, Married men always seek me out? What is it about me, that makes a man think that is ok? And he gave me a little bit of insight. & Not that it makes it ok, because it is not. And this man, is JUST A FRIEND, there was never anything between us, other than friendship, but I'm only going to share a little of it though, not the entire thing, because it's more complicated than I care to explain. He said if a married man is lonely, and I am available, and there is an attraction, he is going to pursue me. Any man will, but a married man, will because I am confident, attractive and he listed a whole bunch of other things, but he got me with the first 2 that I barely heard the other compliments! LOL
So, why do I not see that about myself? As confident as I come off, I can be very insecure behind closed doors. I don't like people to see the insecure me. That is a part, that tends to show when someone really gets to know me. SO, he listed things that any man would find about me, but the loneliness and not getting at home, what they could get from me, attention and all that, is a big key factor. I have never gone with any friends husbands, or boyfriends, or anything like that. This is just the luck I seem to have. Which leads me to my self confidence. I feel like I deserve crumbs so I take a married man and don't care when I find out because I have such a fear of commitment, I guess. I think it's because I feel (in my head) that I deserve that.

And when I Find out a man is married, I settle and accept it. My struggle is, I really know I want more than that. I want someone to love me completely. I really do, I know that sounds so contradictory but it's the truth. But when I get hurt, because things have not gone the way I want, I find 100 reasons to wallow in my sorrows and go off my diet, off my lifestyle change, off my exercise routine. And then I head back into the land of the "Starting to gain weight" again, but I have caught myself this time.

I am not going to allow anyone to make me feel like I deserve crumbs. I deserve to be treated with a lot of respect & care. I need to remind myself when I start to slip, that it's ok to make mistakes, but I have to stand my ground and not let anything else get in the way.

This is something I have to work on every day. I have a lot of butterfly tattoo's and that is because, after Scott died, I decided I needed to come out of my cocoon, and let myself grow as a woman, a single Mom. Because I had been alone for so long after he died, that I wanted a symbol to remind myself that I deserve so much more, I need to see that I am that beautiful butterfly after the cocoon is gone.

So, I'm going to work on that over the next few weeks and really remind myself that I need to stay focused on me, because without that, I will not succeed in my weight loss. My weight has always been my shield, and I in my head think it will keep men away, and it doesn't. Men my age, look past that. They see what's on the inside. Which I am glad, because I need to see that, now, if I could only make better choices, smarter choices.

So today, I had coffee for breakfast, a cup of garden pasta for lunch, and then a shake for dinner. Now I'm kicking back and having some wine while I am watching the opening to the Olympics with Lexi! It's amazing! They are singing an anthem in sign language, it was really good! :-)

Well I'm going to kick back & enjoy this tonight with Lexi. I hope you all have a great evening.
I'm sorry, my post again, is a little all over the place with my feelings, I'm trying to type and really search inside myself what I am feeling, so sometimes, it makes sense to no one else but me.

I think Monday, I am not only going to do the shakes, I'm going to go 100% back on the no grain again! I felt so much better doing that.

Thank you to my friend, for your honesty today and helping me to understand maybe why someone who is married, may seek me out after meeting me. Your friendship is so important to me and I so appreciate it!!! Love you bro!!!
God Speed!
Jenn